The First Month After Baby

I certainly expected life with two children to be an adjustment, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for what our day to day life would really look like. This first month has been wonderful and joyful, but also really challenging. The few days leading up to Georgia's birth, I cleaned our entire house top to bottom. And I'm glad I did. The house hasn't been cleaned since then. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. It's been 4 weeks 5 weeks and I haven't done any deep cleaning; i.e dusting, bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. This is something that I have really had to die to. Don't get me wrong, I want to clean. I don't appreciate our bathrooms being grimy, and I don't like the feeling of crumbs on my toes in the kitchen; but the reality is, cleaning is my last priority right now. I must continue to remind myself, MY SELF WORTH IS NOT MEASURED IN MY PRODUCTIVITY. How often do we determine if our day was good or bad based on our productivity? As women, I think most of us are very guilty of this. Thankfully, we have a God who reminds us that he loves us just because. Whether or not our house smells like trash or clean linens, God loves us just the same. What a relief!
It is so tempting to make a to-do list each day, but in reality, the most important thing on my to-do list is to be fully present to my daughters.

Georgia is a serious night owl. I put her to bed at 11:30 each night, and I'm lucky if she will sleep a two hour stretch. As a result, I have been sleeping in until 9:30 most mornings and James has been graciously waking up early with Sophia. It has been so nice having him home a lot! We have both been amazed by how fast the days sneak by. We have certainly not been lazy, but it is hard to do anything when two girls are both so in need of their mom and dad. Georgia wants to nurse every hour, so I am mostly just plopped on the couch feeding her. We try to run all of our errands as a family because it's good for me to get out of the house. Sometimes I forget there's a whole world outside of my smelly, dirty, 1100 sq ft home! My biggest struggle right now has been reminding myself to spend time with Sophia. I realize that sounds horrible, but it is so tempting to try and get housework done when Georgia is napping. I must remind myself that if I don't use that time to give Sophia attention, she won't get any attention from her mama all day, and that just doesn't seem fair.

I recently came across this blog post. It was so encouraging. What a great reminder to slow down and not take on more than we can handle. I have already found myself trying to do too much this holiday season. I need to practice saying, "no",  both to myself and others.

This is only one short season in my life. I realize that in the blink of an eye my little tiny newborn will grow and the sweet chaos will end. Until then Lord,  teach me to enjoy every precious moment and be fully present. I know that when my children are grown, I will never say to myself, "I should have cleaned more." What I will say is this: "I'm sure glad I took the time to get down on all fours and play with them".

The Birth of Georgia Grace

Less than 24 hours old

In order to accurately tell the birth story of Georgia Grace, I need to start WEEKS before her due date; 5 weeks to be exact. The last week of September, I headed to the doctor for my 36 week checkup. James was out of town on a 20-day trip, so it was just me and Sophia. My doctor decided to do an internal exam when I told him I was feeling a lot of pelvic pressure. He checked me and then proceeded to tell me that I was 3 cm dilated and almost fully effaced! I panicked and asked him what that meant. He suspected that I would probably be having a baby in less than a week! Seeing as how my husband was unreachable a million miles away, I called my mother and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was not ready for this baby! I had hardly started nesting! My husband was out of town! Our house was filthy! We didn't have a pediatrician! I hadn't stored enough meals in the freezer! I just wasn't ready. I drove to my parent's house completely hysterical, saying, "Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you."

After a lot of prayer, James and I decided he should come home early from tour. Each time he traveled thereafter, I anxiously prayed that the baby wouldn't come until he got home.I had always expected her to come early. Sophia came 3 weeks early, and I assumed this baby would come early too. My original due date was October 2nd, which then got changed to October 24th. I assumed she would come somewhere between those two dates. Over the next few weeks, I became a nesting mad woman. In all honesty, it was torture. I had zero energy to do anything, and yet my nesting instinct told me to do EVERYTHING.  I was so anxious about life with two children. I wanted to be prepared. I cleaned our house top to bottom and nearly died in the process. I cooked and stashed more meals in our freezer than I knew what to do with.  I dusted every baseboard, every nook and cranny. I guess my doctor was wrong. 4 weeks went by, and still no baby. I walked, I jogged, I ate food drenched in tabasco sauce, I ate 2 pineapples one afternoon, I made ginger snaps with cayenne pepper, we did other things as husband and wife  that are supposed to induce labor.... still no baby! At this point, I was just plain mad! I was so ready for her, and yet she was just content to stay in utero for what seemed like forever. I always think that God has such a sense of humor. It took us over a year to conceive this baby, and now He was once again trying to teach us patience, teaching us that she will come when He wills her to come and no sooner. Okay. Time to trust Him. After I had gone a week past my due date, James and I made the very difficult decision to do an induction as recommended by my doctor. I was VERY opposed to induction, but through prayer, I continued to hear God telling me to trust. Despite being very dilated and effaced, this baby wasn't coming! I knew an induction was necessary.

On October 30th, after saying a sad goodbye to Sophia, we headed to the hospital. I made it very clear to my doctor that I did not want any sort of drugs for the induction. I wanted to keep things as natural as possible considering I already felt that the situation was completely out of my control. He obliged by breaking my water at 10:30am, with the intent that this would start my labor. It was pretty uneventful, as there was no "gush" of fluid. The nurse encouraged me to walk in hopes that it would cause the bag of waters to leak.  For the next 6 hours James and I power walked through the hospital and around the outside of the building.   I must have looked like an idiot! A big, fat pregnant lady in a hospital gown and my husband's tube socks parading through the hospital. I jogged up and down the stairs, I did a few squats, and when I began to feel pressure, I would walk faster. I was determined to get the contractions started. When Sophia was born, our entire family was there in the hospital room visiting with us before I delivered and it was wonderful, however, this time I wanted none of that. I simply wanted time with my husband, intimate and personal time to prepare for this next chapter. We spent those 6 hours talking, reminiscing, laughing, praying, and giving thanks. It almost felt like a last minute babymoon. James was such a great coach and the exact support that I needed. That day was truly one of the best of my life.

Obviously taken before contractions started!

 Finally, after a long afternoon it began to dawn on me that I was about to deliver a human from my body. Fear set in big time. I had been fearful the entire pregnancy. Once you experience miscarriage, I don't know if it's possible to not be fearful. There are just so many things that can go wrong! I was also fearful for childbirth. My first delivery with Sophia was very "doable", maybe even easy. What if I wasn't so lucky this time? I knew I wanted another natural birth, and yet I heard myself asking the nurse what sort of pain meds were available if I needed them. James looked me square in the eyes and said, "stop asking about medication, you've got this". Those words left me feeling empowered. I have done this before. Yes, it's been four years, but I have done this before. I've got this! And so at 6:30pm my doctor broke my water again, and this time I felt the "gush". Contractions started almost immediately. Each time I felt a contraction, I squeezed James' hand and just breathed long, deep breaths. We tried to watch a few episodes of "Friends" as a distraction, but soon it became too hard to focus. It got to the point where the contractions were one on top of the other with maybe a five second break. I felt major pressure and assumed my bag of waters would gush again. It wasn't until James insisted I let the nurse check me that I realized that pressure was the baby's head! She checked me and immediately paged my doctor out of a C-section. I was 9 1/2 cm and ready to push. When they tell you it's  time to push, there is a combination of excitement filled with adrenaline and complete panic. My doctor rushed in and as he was putting his gloves on, I frantically screamed, "hurry up, I need to push!"  At that point the pressure had escalated a lot and I could hardly focus on my breathing because I could feel her little body ready to come. Immediately after that first push I felt a sense of relief. My body remembered that it had done this before and I felt full control over my ability to deliver another baby naturally. I don't think I ever opened my eyes. I simply listened to the voice of my nurse and especially James. Those contractions hurt like hell. Each time I pushed, I remembered the last two years in my head. The longing in my heart for this baby, The prayer and pleading that God would bless us with another child. The long, agonizing year trying to conceive. And now here I was just minutes from meeting her. These thoughts are what got me through the contractions. I held my breath for a count of ten and pushed. And then I did it again and again. At one point I screamed,"I just can't do this!" Until James told me he could see her head, and then I knew I could do it. Anything to make those contractions stop!  And anything to see her sweet face! A few more strong pushes, and out she came. I am so grateful that I was able to deliver naturally. I have loved my natural births with both my daughters! Though the contractions hurt like hell, and sometimes you really feel like you are in hell, there is no greater feeling than giving that final push and feeling the sensation of your baby coming out. What a rush! And nothing makes me feel like more of a woman!  I pushed for a total of less than 10 minutes. Yeah I know, all of womankind hates me for having a 10 minute delivery.... But let me tell you,  I labored through those contractions full force for 2 hours and they were excruciating!!  I was in shock that she came so fast, and yet I don't think I could have gone much longer because of how intense it was.

I can't believe you're here! I felt like I was dreaming.

Daddy in awe of you

First family photo!

Looking back on the day, I see God's hand in all of it. Those 5 weeks of thinking she would come any day were torture! God really forced me to be patient and fully place my trust in Him during those weeks.  I DID NOT want that induction, and yet God allowed my heart to change and to trust that the induction was the right thing. Despite needing an induction, I am so grateful to the nurses and especially my doctor for being understanding about my wish to not be given Pitocin to start labor. Most doctors are not patient enough to let you wait it out all day for contractions to start.  Though I was fearful of my doctor delivering the baby since he didn't deliver my first, I found myself grateful he was there. Our doctor is Catholic just as we are, and that entire day I felt at ease knowing that he was there not only as our doctor, but also as part of the body of Christ and having a full appreciation for the dignity of human life. If I had been ready to push even five minutes later, he would have been unavailable in a high risk C-section. And thank goodness my delivery was so fast so that he could get back to the C-section! That day James did and said all the right things. He was my rock to lean on. I know that God guided him in exactly how to coach and encourage me. The day was truly beautiful.
 

Georgia Grace, you sure took your sweet time in deciding to greet the world. Now that you are here, we can't imagine life without you! You truly are our miracle baby. We will give God thanks everyday for the gift of you.

Growth

When I think about where I was a year ago and where I am today, I am in complete shock at how much growth and transformation God has done in me. This time last year, after 12 months of trying to conceive after our miscarriage, I was feeling lost.  12 months of trying may not seem long, but in my mind I assumed we wouldn't have to "try" so hard.  I distinctly remember a feeling of emptiness and longing. I was longing for a baby. I remember writing a very lengthy letter to my husband. I told him I was depressed. I told him I felt lost. I told him I couldn't bare the thought of never giving Sophia a sibling. I told him my heart was restless. I told him I needed God to take my burden. I told him I needed to escape. I daydreamed about running through a field to the top of a mountain and screaming as loud as I could. Maybe then God would hear me.

The next day James called me while I was at school and told me he was booking us a hotel for the weekend in La Jolla. He didn't ask me; he told me. That assertiveness ignited my heart so much. You see, very seldom does my husband make decisions without me because he knows I'm a control freak, but in this instant I needed him to take the reigns, and that's just what he did. We packed our bags the very next morning and the three of us drove six hours to the beach. Though we were only there for a mere 30 hours, it was so therapeutic for me. I soaked in that time with my sweet daughter. I thanked God for the gift of her. I reminded myself that here and now I am her mother. Rather than dwelling on the children I'm longing for, I was able to remind myself of the child in front of me who just wants her mother to be there.  And I was there.

For the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to have faith. To patiently wait on The Lord. Sophia was already 3 1/2, a much bigger age gap than I desired for my children. I didn't understand it. But I sat back and waited. And trusted. During this time, with the guidance of my doctor, I decided to take meds to help regulate my erratic periods. This was a difficult decision to make since I am very natural minded. We were pretty sure I wasn't ovulating, and my doctor said that without giving my body a "kickstart",  I may never conceive again. Knowing that the medication was approved by the Catholic church, I obliged. Although after 3 rounds of meds, I gave up because they didn't seem to be working; my cycles were still long and irregular, a clear indication that I probably wasn't ovulating.

James and I began to pray harder than we have ever prayed. We begged God to reveal His will. We didn't beg for a baby, we simply begged for His will to be done. My periods became longer and longer and despite my despair, I prayed my heart out. I fervently slept with a St. Gerard prayer card under my pillow and James and I prayed the Saint Gerard Novena together. Every week after mass, my mom and Sophia went to light a candle for us and pray that we would conceive.  My sweet Grandma even added us as an intention to her weekly rosary group. We had numerous friends praying for us, and I took comfort in that. I failed to mention that my sister was pregnant with her second baby during this time. I was in utter shock at how quickly they conceived. Despite the shock, I was never jealous, not even for a second. I remember being grateful. Grateful that I could carry this burden of miscarriage and infertility and that my sister didn't have to deal with such pain.

On February 12, the unthinkable happened. My sister went into labor at 22 weeks gestation. Everything happened so fast and they just weren't able to stop her contractions. She delivered her sweet baby girl who lived for a mere 3 hours. My heart was broken for my sister, for this horrible loss. I felt dumb for ever mourning my own miscarriage. This seemed so much worse. I was so angry at God. I had hoped that I bore the cross of a miscarriage so that my sister wouldn't have to. And now this. Why God? Why, why, why? We had the funeral for sweet baby Celeste on February 20, 2013. It was just beautiful. A perfect celebration of her short life here on Earth.

The day after the funeral, I mentioned to James that I STILL hadn't gotten a period! It had been almost 2 months. My thought was, "that stupid medication didn't do a damn thing!" Despite my fear and anxiety, he made me take a pregnancy test. I nonchalantly peed on the stick to appease him. When it was positive, I screamed. Then I took FOUR more tests.  They were all positive. After 15 agonizing months of trying, we were finally pregnant.

What we had been praying for for months had happened and I found myself a little bit angry. What kind of cruel God would take my sister's sweet baby to heaven and then the very next day bless me with new life? I was completely petrified to tell my sister I was pregnant. Part of me was ashamed to be pregnant at a time like this.

Ironically, she was the first person I told, and her reaction was priceless. I have never seen any person smile as big as she did that night. And I have never seen such heartfelt tears of joy. I knew in her reaction that she was truly, genuinely happy and that meant the world to me.

Now here we are just weeks away from welcoming our second baby. I look back on this year, rather, the past two years and I am grateful. God has truly taught me the hard way how to have faith. So often we want things to happen on our timing, and yet I hear God's voice telling me, "just you wait and see what I have planned, just you wait".  Even still, it breaks my heart a little bit to think of how large the age gap is between these two children. Being a cradle Catholic, I was always taught that you are "supposed" to have lots of babies and they are "supposed" to be very close in age. Well I'm here to say that's a load of crap. Now I know that God will guide the spacing of our children exactly according to His will. He has a unique and beautiful design for every family. There is something so liberating about giving it up to the Lord, especially for a control freak like myself ;)
 Jesus I trust in you.

22 Weeks

 Wow. It feels surreal to write this post because a part of my mind still can't grasp this blessing. I'm pregnant! The last post I wrote back in October was the 1 year anniversary of suffering a miscarriage, and now I feel like God has brought me full circle as we are expecting sweet baby girl #2 in October! He really does make all things new.

I say that my mind still can't grasp this blessing, because I honestly wasn't sure if we would ever conceive again. My hormones were very out of whack for a while,  and it was hard to stay hopeful after trying to conceive for over a year.

The inability to get pregnant reaffirmed so many things for me. It reaffirmed the fact that fertility is a God given gift that should never be taken for granted. It reaffirmed my appreciation for Sophia. And most importantly, it reaffirmed that God is in control!! I tend to be a little bit a lot of a control freak, and I always want to know what to expect and when to expect it. I don't like when things don't go according to plan. This experience has undoubtedly taught me that I don't have ANY control and He has ALL control! This is really a tough lesson for me, but definitely an important lesson in this life.

I'm 22 weeks pregnant and trying to relish every moment. Trying to remember every feeling, every flutter in my stomach. I realize in a really big way, that I don't have control over how many babies God will give me. If this is my last pregnancy, I want to be fully present to it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to remember every feeling of this sweet life in my womb. The first 18 weeks were filled with lots of nausea and food aversions. Thankfully, I am finally letting go of some of that. Although I'm still not crazy about the thought of veggies, they are becoming a little more tolerable.

I think my biggest frustration has been my exhaustion. I truly feel like I don't have energy for anything! Showering feels like an accomplishment, forget about styling my hair,  and it's a miracle if I can keep my eyes open past 8:30pm! I don't even want to talk about exercise because that is a sensitive subject. I find myself green with envy when I hear my fellow pregnant mamas talk of exercising. I'm pretty sure I have gained more weight in my thighs than I have in my stomach. Oh well; the husband seems to like me a little fleshy so maybe I should be grateful...I feel like I haven't had any time for myself this pregnancy. I go to work, come home, prepare dinner, spend time with Sophia, spend a very short time with the husband, and then off to bed. I miss blogging, I miss reading, I miss painting my nails, I miss spending time in the kitchen to prepare fancy meals. Obviously these are all small sacrifices that I wouldn't trade for anything! There is a life growing within me, and I will sacrifice all of these things 100 times over for this sweet new baby!

We are eagerly awaiting your arrival precious baby girl!

Waiting For The Lord

I really truly thought that this photo would be the last photo taken of us as a family of 3. This photo was taken just 1 week before we found out I was pregnant. Our hearts were so overjoyed! We have always had an openness to life within our marriage, trusting that we need to allow the Lord to guide our child spacing. After finding out I was pregnant, I felt such reassurance that God was revealing His beautiful design for our family. FINALLY, Sophia would have a sibling!

After finding out I was in the process of miscarrying on October 19th of last year, I felt numb. I have never felt so angry at God. Why would God take my baby from me before I ever got to meet her
(or his) sweet face? Why did Jesus need this baby in heaven more than He desired for me to know and raise this baby?

I was heart broken. I survived on Ben and Jerry's for 3 days, and when a few good friends brought me a box of brownies, I ate the entire box for lunch.... I needed to feel numb. I didn't want to feel the emptiness and sadness in my heart. After a week of complete and total self loathing, I finally knew that I needed to face reality and I needed to begin the journey of giving this burden to Jesus.

We had participated in the creation of a baby who we would never meet; at least not in this life. After driving in the car one day, and Sophia repeatedly shouting, "baby Mary, baby Mary, baby Mary" we asked her who baby Mary was. She answered matter of factly that baby Mary was in heaven with Jesus. And so we named this sweet baby MaryRose. It seemed like a fitting name for a child who had a straight ticket to heaven.

Months and months went by. We began to desire conceiving again immediately, but it wasn't happening. Nothing brought me solace. Whether talking to my mom, my sister, my husband, friends at church. Nothing comforted me. I had built up such a wall.  I was so angry and so stubborn. Finally at a point when I had begun to hit rock bottom, we were at church and Father announced that the prayer teams were available after mass to pray for special intentions. After mass, my husband pretty much dragged me to the prayer team. As I was walking over to the teams, I was drawn to a husband and wife team, and the holy spirit put this thought in my mind, "she lost a baby too". I started sobbing uncontrollably and I felt like an idiot. I went up to her and her husband and told her what was going on. She told me that she had lost 5 babies and yet she also had 5 healthy children. Praise God. I confessed my fears that there was something wrong with me. (After months and months of not being able to conceive, I had convinced myself that I must be seriously ill.) The woman praying over me, gave me such an embracing hug. I was touched by her gentleness despite the fact that I had never met her. She looked at me with a very serious look in her eyes and she said, "sweetheart, that baby is in heaven because you needed an extra saint on your side, praying for you everyday." WOW! What grace I received from that statement! Numerous people had referred to my baby as an angel, but as Catholics we don't believe that people become angels when they die. Hearing that my baby was a saint whom I could talk to and who could intercede for me, brought me the comfort that I had longed for.

The past year has been hard. Really hard. In more ways than one.  I have been so angry for the past year. Every time I see a pregnant woman, my first thought is complete and total anger. I have begun to be sickly jealous of those women who find it so easy to get pregnant. You don't know how lucky you are! I am now able to turn this jealousy into a prayer because I know that jealousy is not of God. We recently found out that there are medical reasons for my inability to conceive. To put it simply, my hormones are VERY out of wack. I have begun to take natural approaches to normalize my hormones as much as possible. (If anyone wants to know more about this topic, I would love to share; being the health nut that I am, the topic of fertility diets is a HUGE passion of mine.) I am blessed to have a Catholic doctor who respects my dignity as a woman. He has complete faith that in time, we will conceive again.

I have spent the past year negotiating and pleading with God. I have felt such a fog over me. Every time I am in front of the blessed sacrament, I felt a physical pull and tension. I felt God trying to take this from me, and I felt my stubborn heart say, "No!" My fear has been that if I surrender this to Jesus, it is as though I am giving up on having a baby. I have been so foolish.  Clearly it is only through our surrender that God will truly reveal His plans for us.

I look back on this year with gratitude. James and I both agree that this has been the hardest year of our marriage.  If not for the grace of God I truly think that our marriage would be on the rocks, I would be on antidepressants, and we would probably be taking drastic measures to have a baby. God is bigger than all of that.  I would love to say that I had a huge light bulb moment that finally gave me total trust and comfort, but the reality is that there have been numerous small light bulbs. I literally feel like God has taken my heart from my chest, twisted and turned it upside down and conformed it to Him. I am grateful. It has taken an entire YEAR for me to say yes, but I am grateful nonetheless. On this day, I find myself joyful. I am joyful for our beautiful, healthy family of 3. I am joyful for our Catholic faith, I am joyful for a husband who will lead me and support me. I am joyful for the realization that all things happen on His time.

Possibly the greatest lessons of my life that I have learned through this experience are this:
1.Getting angry at God is only sinful if that anger leads us away from Him. My anger and frustration has led me right into His arms and I am thankful.
2. Negotiating with God doesn't work, so stop trying.
3. Living your life according to His will is always worth it.
4. When struggling with infertility, or anything for that matter, make sure to constantly check in with yourself to make sure that God is in charge and not you.
5. Fertility is a gift. A true, God given gift. Whether you have a very large family and continue to conceive with ease, or you struggle to conceive, the ability to carry a child in your womb is a beautiful gift from God that is abused a lot in our culture. To carry another soul alongside your own soul- what a miracle!

I continue to desire more children. I have a very strong desire for Sophia to have a sibling. I never envisioned myself as only having one child. I feel very strongly that one way or another, we will have more children. Whether God allows my body to normalize, or we take on the gift of adoption. Until then, we are a family of 3 and I say Yes! I say Yes to the plans of the Lord.

*It is my greatest hope and desire to be a source of support for other women who struggle with infertility. Unfortunately more and more people continue to have struggles conceiving.  There are tons of reasons that infertility is so prevalent today; one of these reasons is an excess amount of processed foods and endocrine disrupting foods. There are numerous dietary measures you can take to increase your chances of conception. I would love nothing more than to offer support and encouragement for anyone who is struggling with loss or infertility.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
-psalm 27:14

MaryRose

My heart is hurting right now, and yet at the same time, God is giving me so much clarity. We found out two weeks ago that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. This news was possibly the most devastating news of my life. Losing a child that I already love so much has not been easy. My husband and I tried so hard to get pregnant. When it finally happened, we were so overjoyed. Our plan for our family was in accordance with God's plan! My morning sickness was completely unbearable for 7 very long weeks. I had to give up any form of exercise and I was eating nothing but crackers and Sprite. All of these small sacrifices were so worth it when I thought about the joy that would come in the next few weeks as we heard the heartbeat, felt the baby kicking, and found out the sex. Little did I know that we would never hear our baby's heartbeat again because God took her to heaven before we could meet her. 

The pain and realization of all of this hit me like a ton of bricks as I laid there on the table with two doctors frantically trying to find a heartbeat. The rush of emotion when they tell you your baby is dead is excruciating. My emotions have changed in every way these past few weeks. I find myself screaming at God in anger and then the next minute I am filled with a sadness that makes me think I won't survive such heartache. I have a baby in heaven that I won't meet until I go to heaven. I took part in the creation of this soul, and yet God says that He needs to keep her for Himself. I don't understand this. I will probably never understand it, but I have to accept it. I have to believe that God has a perfect plan for my life and for our family. God knows the desires in my heart. He knows how much my heart is aching for another baby. I can only hope and pray that he will allow me to experience this happiness again.

This post may come across as morbid to anyone who chooses to read it, but I need to post this. I need to talk about this baby. This baby is just as much a part of our family as Sophia is. I know that this baby was alive in me. I heard her sweet heartbeat when she was only 6 weeks along. I saw a picture of her on the ultrasound monitor. I am so grateful for that ultrasound. Typically, my doctor doesn't do ultrasounds so early on, but we needed to know how far along I was, and this was the only way to be sure. That picture is the only picture I will ever have of this sweet baby. By writing this post, I am acknowledging the life that I value and love.  If nothing else, I am writing this post for myself. As a way to sort my thoughts. I have to put my thoughts out there because writing them down makes me believe that all of this is real. Sometimes it still feels like a really bad nightmare that I can't escape.

A few days after going to the doctor, I was driving Sophia to preschool. She was being silly in the backseat and kept saying things like, "baby, where are you? Baby, baby, baby. What are you doing baby?" I looked through the car to find her baby doll that she was talking to. When I couldn't find a doll, I said, "Sophia, are you talking about the baby that was in Mommy's belly?" She answered and said, "Baby Mary, Baby Mary, Baby Mary." I then said, "Is the baby in heaven?" She answered and said, "baby with Jesus."  These words pierced my heart. I have to believe that in some small and intimate way, God revealed to my sweet girl that she has a sister in heaven. I don't know why she repeated "baby Mary." I don't know if this means that Mary the mother of God is with my baby, or if the baby is named Mary. Ever since I first became pregnant, James and I felt strongly that it was a girl. We wanted to give this baby a special name. Something that seemed out of the ordinary and yet also classic. The decision was easy. The name just sort of popped into my head (and Sophia's head) and James loved it too!

Our sweet MaryRose, we love you. We trust that the Lord took you for a special purpose. You are a gift. I anxiously await the day that I will meet you and hold my sweet baby girl. In the meantime, we will pray for you, and please pray for us too. We love you MaryRose.

Pregnancy Gripes

I will start this post out by assuring readers that I am THRILLED to be pregnant. The joy that comes with taking part in the creation of another life and carrying that baby for 9 months is indescribable.  I count myself very blessed to be able to bring life into this world and I am so looking forward to expanding our ever growing family. Okay, so now that I stated my disclaimer, I think I am entitled to vent (just a little) about my pregnancy gripes. Here is my list of things that suck about being pregnant.

1. The nausea. I am one of the few who suffers from extreme morning sickness. There were a whole two weeks where I couldn't drink water without vomiting. Everyone says it will be over soon, but with my first baby, it lasted the first 2 trimesters!
2. All this morning sickness means that I am eating nothing very healthy. White bread, macaroni, saltines, cereal, hard candy. I envisioned things like: wild salmon, steel cut oats, fresh produce. Ha! I was in for a rude awakening. This baby doesn't like produce of any kind and definitely doesn't like anything whole wheat. UGH!
3. Exercise? For get about it! First of all, the nausea makes me completely off balance, and second of all, I have no energy. Seriously, I think if there was enough time in my day, I would take three naps. I sort of envy women who can continue their exercise routine through pregnancy. I considered myself to be really fit before getting pregnant, but 5 weeks of no exercise has turned my muscle to mush.
4. Feeling sick gives me zero motivation to shower or do my hair. Sorry if that's an over share, but I definitely don't shower seven days a week. It makes me so dizzy to stand there and tilt my head back. And doing my hair? No way Jose!

These are my pregnancy gripes. Obviously the good outweighs the bad. In 8 months I will have a beautiful new life to nurture and love.  I will gladly take on the morning sickness and the unhealthy food that makes me embarrassed to call myself a future dietitian!  As far as exercise goes, I'll worry about that after the baby comes. No matter how uncomfortable I am for these next few months, I will continue to give God thanks everyday for the opportunity to be a small part of one of His creations. When I really try to wrap my head around this, it overwhelms my heart. This is absolutely the greatest gift that God can give to me and I am so grateful!

We are Finally Pregnant!

I cannot begin to express how overjoyed I am that God is blessing us with another child! We have wanted this for a long time, and we are grateful that God has finally said its time! Having patience these past few months has not been easy, but we know that the Lord's plans are greater than our own. Sophia and the new baby will be three years apart and the baby will be due May 10th just as I finish my second to last semester of school. The timing really is great!  I am also super excited because my older sister is due to have her first baby on May 2nd. I am so looking forward to taking this journey with her. I am still in shock and filled with such incredible happiness.  Sophia really has no idea what is going on. I am trying to explain to her that there is a baby in Mommy's tummy, but she just looks at me like I am crazy. Our first big step in helping her become a big girl was moving her from her crib into a big girl bed. She took it surprisingly well.

Sophia's Two Year Photos

Very intrigued by the "bubbles" on her dress

Maybe balloons were a bad idea...

I'm not really sure about this one

Trying to hide from the camera

Bribed with a lollipop!

Its Hard to Believe But its Really True...

Our little girl is turning 2!
I am still in shock that in less than one week, I will be the mother of a 2 year old. Wasn't she just born yesterday? What a joy these first two years have been. Watching her learn and develop has been the greatest joy of my life thus far, and I know that the journey will only get better. We celebrated Sophia's birthday this past Saturday while Daddy was in town. The Hungry Caterpillar theme could not have gone any better! It was somewhat stressful trying to cram 30 of our closest friends and family into our 1100 sq ft house, but I think we pulled it off! We tried to have most of the food be items from the book such as salami, swiss cheese, lollipops, apples, oranges, plums, etc... The planning and preparation was well worth it because I know that when Sophia sees these pictures and memories later in life, she will be so joyful.

The AWESOME birthday cake! Fondant is so much fun. This is the first of many fondant cakes to come!

A little help blowing out the candles

Bath time baby doll!

All these presents can make a girl tired!

First signs of a 2 year old: She insists on wearing her new boots!

Octopus Sprinkler from Grandma and Grandpa!

Counting My Blessings

Being a mother is so rewarding and so terrifying at the same time. The love that a mother feels for her child can only be compared to the love that Christ feels for each of us. I would do ANYTHING for Sophia. We had our first real scare with her last weekend. We took her to her new pediatrician for a well visit on Ash Wednesday and she insisted on giving her 3 vaccinations although I was hesitant. For the next 3 nights Sophia was running a fever and was acting tired and sick. We tried to let the fever run its course until it spiked to 105 Saturday night while I was at work and James was out of town. Luckily my mom was watching Sophia and we were able to rush her to the ER. I have never been more terrified since having Sophia. I was holding her outside the hospital singing to her out loud and praying out loud that God would heal my little girl. People must have thought I was crazy, but I needed those prayers to be heard. I did not know the severity of the temperature. For all I knew, my daughter was on her way to becoming brain dead. I was hysterical, although I tried to stay strong for Sophia. We were able to bring her fever down with meds and the doctor told me that I had done the right thing by not giving her Tylenol when the fever was under 100. I know that I overreacted in this situation, but that's what motherhood has done to me. It breaks my heart to know that my child ever has to experience even the slightest amount of pain. I don't know if overloading Sophia with vaccinations is what caused the temperature, but I do not that in the future I will be assertive when it comes to defending what I believe is best for my children.

Lets Go For a Walk...

Sophia always amazes me by her interpretation of things that I say. Yesterday was no exception. After several cold and rainy days, the sun was finally out so I thought it would be a great day for a walk. I asked Sophia if she wanted to go for a walk with the stroller. Her interpretation of this was not quite what I had in mind, but we had fun taking her bear for a walk nonetheless!

A Mother's Love

I am filled with an overwhelming love of my daughter right now. I am filled with such joy and I feel so truly blessed to be the mother of such a sweet and beautiful girl. As I laid her in her crib tonight, I prayed over her like I always do, but I prayed especially hard tonight. I prayed that nothing of this world will ever take away her kind heart or her purity. I prayed that she will always know that she is loved and I prayed that her dad and I will always have the strength to raise her in truth and holiness. Being a mother has given me more joy and more purpose than I can comprehend. I am constantly exhausted because of it, and yet God also allows me to be constantly overflowing with happiness and grace. I have such a desire for more children. I know God is calling me to this and I am so eager to await how many beautiful children he will allow me to love.

When I Go to the Park

When did Sophia become big enough to play on the playground? Why does it feel like she is transitioning from being a baby to being a little girl faster than I can keep up with? This is such a bitter sweet concept for a mother. I definitely do not miss those late night feedings that come with having an infant, but there is a small part of me that just wants life to slow down. I want to take it all in and not feel like time is moving faster than I can catch up with. Sophia is slowly becoming independent. She has a personality and it is such a joy to watch her as she tries to do things on her own. My favorite thing about her right now is that everyone is her best friend. We go to the park and she waves and says hi to everyone whether it is a child or an old man walking his dog. James and I were just talking tonight about what a kind heart our little girl has. I was washing dishes tonight and she came over to me, kissed and hugged my leg, and walked away. It was her simple way of showing her love for me and it just about makes me cry. Watching your child grow up before your eyes has to be one of the most bittersweet things that exist. I know that life will not slow down, it will probably only get busier. All I can do is capture every moment in the best possible way.

First Braids

The best part of having a little girl is the fun that comes from dressing her up in cute little outfits and trying different hairstyles. Sophia's hair is a little wild right now, but I am working very hard at trying styles that work and keep it out of her face. I have tried bows, clips, pigtails, ponytails, and she seems to find a way to pull everything out, leaving her hair a disaster! This is my attempt at a braid. I'm surprised she sat still long enough to let me braid her hair! I look forward to lots of braids as her hair continues to grow.