Kindergarten Girl

I blinked my eyes. All I did was blink and this happened.  Isn't that what childhood is? Just a blink of an eye in retrospect. I have been finding myself sad lately when I think about having a child in kindergarten. Sad because it reminds me that my sweet babies that I hold so close are only mine for a short time. It is my vocation, my life's work, my "yes" to God that I would raise these little people in truth and holiness and teach them how to be ready to leave me. Sounds a little bit cruel, raising our children to leave us. But once again, they aren't mine. They are His. Destined for a purpose.

My sweet Sophia. She delights in knowing that her name means wisdom. As her mother, I hope and pray that as she grows, that name will suit her well. That she will receive the gifts of the holy spirit and truly use that wisdom that she inherently has.

For now, she is still little. Thank you Jesus that I can still call her little! My little kindergarten girl. My little flower.

Choosing Joy

Have you ever had a moment that you feel like you can't get through? An emotion that you can't deal with? When it feels like you need a strength bigger than your own to survive?

It happened to me yesterday.

My husband James travels for work as a Christian/Catholic musician. To put it mildly, I don't thrive when he's gone. We feel that at this time, this is what God desires of us, and so I deal with it. I have faith that this is where God has called us, but it's hard. Really hard. He's gone for an entire week right now and then he will be home for a day and leaving again....

So yesterday I overslept due to my extreme sleep deprivation from a fussy 5 month old. I woke Sophia up for preschool and rushed her out the door. I arrived, only to realize I hadn't brushed the tangles out of her hair, and she had breakfast all over her face.

I came home feeling so excited to go for a run! My jogging stroller has been broken for weeks, and James finally fixed it. Running has been my therapy lately, something to help me cope with my day. Something to make me proud of my postpartum body. Something that is just for me. To sort my thoughts, to get my stress out on the pavement. I went in the garage to grab the stroller, and as it turns out, still broken. That damn wheel. All I wanted in this day was a really hard, good run. That's all I wanted for myself, the rest of my hours would be entirely devoted to my girls.

I stepped into the bathroom to take a shower with baby Georgia on her bouncer and found myself fall to the floor sobbing. Feelings of worthlessness flood in. What kind of mother forgets to brush her kids hair? What kind of mother leaves lasts nights dishes piled in the sink, only to wake up to a house that smells like a dumpster? What kind of a mother can't hold it together without her husband? Why do I suck at this? Why??? Why is God calling us to this life? This separation? How is this good for us, for our family life? I can't do this!!! I literally felt like I couldn't get up off of that bathroom floor. I felt so weighed down by the negativity. I reminded myself that it is lent. Though this is a time to grow in our faith, it is also a time where Satan loves to sneak in. Satan was in that bathroom yesterday morning. I know he was. I can't even explain it here in writing. Feeling like I literally couldn't stand up. As though I didn't have legs.

Then out of nowhere I hear these words: choose joy.

I was feeling negativity about EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. And in that moment of anxiousness and despair, God reminded me that I am strong. I then remembered that a nearby parish offers noon mass. In that moment I felt like the only way I would survive would be if I had a little Jesus in my life. I rushed out of the shower, threw on some clothes and ran out the door with baby in tow and hair sopping wet. We quickly grabbed big sis at school, and off we went to mass.

Wet hair and a quick sweep of mascara!

 As soon as we got to mass, I knew I had made the right choice. Of course, Georgia was the only baby, and of course she cooed the entire mass, but I knew we needed to be there. After mass, a sweet woman came over and asked me if she could help me back to the car. Another woman came over and told me how much joy it brought her to hear Georgia cooing. I also noticed Michael John Poirier at mass, and I just love him! What a man of faith! Needless to say, I felt so welcomed at mass and so thankful that God brought us there.

 As Sophia gets older, I'm noticing her watching me more. She's becoming more observant. I don't want her to see me as weak and disheveled all the time. I want her to see me as strong. Yes, I'm human and I have shortcomings, but I want my daughters to learn from me that when life has you down, you can make the choice to stand up and do something. I felt so alone yesterday. I'm the type of person who really thrives when I am with the people I care about. Yesterday was especially hard because James was gone, my mom was working, sister working, brothers working, friends working/ in a different state. I felt super isolated.

Thankful for Spring flowers!

I'm so thankful that God got me out the door. That He got me outside of myself and to Him. Lord, continue to stretch me and strengthen me. Continue to break my heart for what breaks yours. Continue to help me choose joy.

Eucharisteo.

Our Perfectly Imperfect Christmas

Yes that's right. its the middle of January and I am finally posting about Christmas. Better late than never right?

Most awkward family photo! I think that's why I like it :)

I still cannot believe how fast the Christmas season passed by! I am one who places a lot of value in family traditions, probably because they were such a huge part of my childhood. Thank you Mom! This year unfortunately, most of those traditions went by the wayside. Initially, I was beating myself up about this, but I have come to realize that focusing on every perfect detail is not what Christmas is about. I don't want my children to see me obsessing about the details, because sometimes the details are a little sloppy, and that's okay. 

Beautiful table setting on Christmas Eve

We spent Christmas Eve at my grandma's house enjoying a traditional Polish dinner as we have every year as far back as I can remember. I look forward to it so much! My grandma does an amazing job of decorating the house and making the tabletop just gorgeous! Christmas Day I had to work, despite my every effort to get out of it. James took the girls to his Aunt's house while I was working. It ended up being okay because they got quality time with James' parents and we had a wonderful, uninterrupted Christmas on December 27th, just the 4 of us. I was feeling a little ambitious and made gingerbread reindeer pancakes. They were a huge hit! We spent the entire day in our pajamas, soaking in Sophia's joy. As she gets older, Christmas becomes so much more magical! We certainly don't spoil her rotten on Christmas, but I feel like the gifts we gave her were ones that she can use for years to come. My dad and James had been working hard on a dollhouse for her since October. She was so excited about it! It turned out really well, and I know we will get good use out of it. She was also super happy that Santa knew she wanted the magenta sparkle ugly dog purse from Target! Yep, that Santa is pretty impressive.

Here comes picture overload....

It was so much fun to celebrate the holidays with this precious new life! This time last year, I was praying my heart out every night that God would bless us with a new baby. He has been so good to us in more ways than I can count. I am so joyful with my life right now. Two healthy girls, and the best husband I could ask for! God is good.

The First Month After Baby

I certainly expected life with two children to be an adjustment, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for what our day to day life would really look like. This first month has been wonderful and joyful, but also really challenging. The few days leading up to Georgia's birth, I cleaned our entire house top to bottom. And I'm glad I did. The house hasn't been cleaned since then. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. It's been 4 weeks 5 weeks and I haven't done any deep cleaning; i.e dusting, bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. This is something that I have really had to die to. Don't get me wrong, I want to clean. I don't appreciate our bathrooms being grimy, and I don't like the feeling of crumbs on my toes in the kitchen; but the reality is, cleaning is my last priority right now. I must continue to remind myself, MY SELF WORTH IS NOT MEASURED IN MY PRODUCTIVITY. How often do we determine if our day was good or bad based on our productivity? As women, I think most of us are very guilty of this. Thankfully, we have a God who reminds us that he loves us just because. Whether or not our house smells like trash or clean linens, God loves us just the same. What a relief!
It is so tempting to make a to-do list each day, but in reality, the most important thing on my to-do list is to be fully present to my daughters.

Georgia is a serious night owl. I put her to bed at 11:30 each night, and I'm lucky if she will sleep a two hour stretch. As a result, I have been sleeping in until 9:30 most mornings and James has been graciously waking up early with Sophia. It has been so nice having him home a lot! We have both been amazed by how fast the days sneak by. We have certainly not been lazy, but it is hard to do anything when two girls are both so in need of their mom and dad. Georgia wants to nurse every hour, so I am mostly just plopped on the couch feeding her. We try to run all of our errands as a family because it's good for me to get out of the house. Sometimes I forget there's a whole world outside of my smelly, dirty, 1100 sq ft home! My biggest struggle right now has been reminding myself to spend time with Sophia. I realize that sounds horrible, but it is so tempting to try and get housework done when Georgia is napping. I must remind myself that if I don't use that time to give Sophia attention, she won't get any attention from her mama all day, and that just doesn't seem fair.

I recently came across this blog post. It was so encouraging. What a great reminder to slow down and not take on more than we can handle. I have already found myself trying to do too much this holiday season. I need to practice saying, "no",  both to myself and others.

This is only one short season in my life. I realize that in the blink of an eye my little tiny newborn will grow and the sweet chaos will end. Until then Lord,  teach me to enjoy every precious moment and be fully present. I know that when my children are grown, I will never say to myself, "I should have cleaned more." What I will say is this: "I'm sure glad I took the time to get down on all fours and play with them".

The Birth of Georgia Grace

Less than 24 hours old

In order to accurately tell the birth story of Georgia Grace, I need to start WEEKS before her due date; 5 weeks to be exact. The last week of September, I headed to the doctor for my 36 week checkup. James was out of town on a 20-day trip, so it was just me and Sophia. My doctor decided to do an internal exam when I told him I was feeling a lot of pelvic pressure. He checked me and then proceeded to tell me that I was 3 cm dilated and almost fully effaced! I panicked and asked him what that meant. He suspected that I would probably be having a baby in less than a week! Seeing as how my husband was unreachable a million miles away, I called my mother and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was not ready for this baby! I had hardly started nesting! My husband was out of town! Our house was filthy! We didn't have a pediatrician! I hadn't stored enough meals in the freezer! I just wasn't ready. I drove to my parent's house completely hysterical, saying, "Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you, Jesus I trust in you."

After a lot of prayer, James and I decided he should come home early from tour. Each time he traveled thereafter, I anxiously prayed that the baby wouldn't come until he got home.I had always expected her to come early. Sophia came 3 weeks early, and I assumed this baby would come early too. My original due date was October 2nd, which then got changed to October 24th. I assumed she would come somewhere between those two dates. Over the next few weeks, I became a nesting mad woman. In all honesty, it was torture. I had zero energy to do anything, and yet my nesting instinct told me to do EVERYTHING.  I was so anxious about life with two children. I wanted to be prepared. I cleaned our house top to bottom and nearly died in the process. I cooked and stashed more meals in our freezer than I knew what to do with.  I dusted every baseboard, every nook and cranny. I guess my doctor was wrong. 4 weeks went by, and still no baby. I walked, I jogged, I ate food drenched in tabasco sauce, I ate 2 pineapples one afternoon, I made ginger snaps with cayenne pepper, we did other things as husband and wife  that are supposed to induce labor.... still no baby! At this point, I was just plain mad! I was so ready for her, and yet she was just content to stay in utero for what seemed like forever. I always think that God has such a sense of humor. It took us over a year to conceive this baby, and now He was once again trying to teach us patience, teaching us that she will come when He wills her to come and no sooner. Okay. Time to trust Him. After I had gone a week past my due date, James and I made the very difficult decision to do an induction as recommended by my doctor. I was VERY opposed to induction, but through prayer, I continued to hear God telling me to trust. Despite being very dilated and effaced, this baby wasn't coming! I knew an induction was necessary.

On October 30th, after saying a sad goodbye to Sophia, we headed to the hospital. I made it very clear to my doctor that I did not want any sort of drugs for the induction. I wanted to keep things as natural as possible considering I already felt that the situation was completely out of my control. He obliged by breaking my water at 10:30am, with the intent that this would start my labor. It was pretty uneventful, as there was no "gush" of fluid. The nurse encouraged me to walk in hopes that it would cause the bag of waters to leak.  For the next 6 hours James and I power walked through the hospital and around the outside of the building.   I must have looked like an idiot! A big, fat pregnant lady in a hospital gown and my husband's tube socks parading through the hospital. I jogged up and down the stairs, I did a few squats, and when I began to feel pressure, I would walk faster. I was determined to get the contractions started. When Sophia was born, our entire family was there in the hospital room visiting with us before I delivered and it was wonderful, however, this time I wanted none of that. I simply wanted time with my husband, intimate and personal time to prepare for this next chapter. We spent those 6 hours talking, reminiscing, laughing, praying, and giving thanks. It almost felt like a last minute babymoon. James was such a great coach and the exact support that I needed. That day was truly one of the best of my life.

Obviously taken before contractions started!

 Finally, after a long afternoon it began to dawn on me that I was about to deliver a human from my body. Fear set in big time. I had been fearful the entire pregnancy. Once you experience miscarriage, I don't know if it's possible to not be fearful. There are just so many things that can go wrong! I was also fearful for childbirth. My first delivery with Sophia was very "doable", maybe even easy. What if I wasn't so lucky this time? I knew I wanted another natural birth, and yet I heard myself asking the nurse what sort of pain meds were available if I needed them. James looked me square in the eyes and said, "stop asking about medication, you've got this". Those words left me feeling empowered. I have done this before. Yes, it's been four years, but I have done this before. I've got this! And so at 6:30pm my doctor broke my water again, and this time I felt the "gush". Contractions started almost immediately. Each time I felt a contraction, I squeezed James' hand and just breathed long, deep breaths. We tried to watch a few episodes of "Friends" as a distraction, but soon it became too hard to focus. It got to the point where the contractions were one on top of the other with maybe a five second break. I felt major pressure and assumed my bag of waters would gush again. It wasn't until James insisted I let the nurse check me that I realized that pressure was the baby's head! She checked me and immediately paged my doctor out of a C-section. I was 9 1/2 cm and ready to push. When they tell you it's  time to push, there is a combination of excitement filled with adrenaline and complete panic. My doctor rushed in and as he was putting his gloves on, I frantically screamed, "hurry up, I need to push!"  At that point the pressure had escalated a lot and I could hardly focus on my breathing because I could feel her little body ready to come. Immediately after that first push I felt a sense of relief. My body remembered that it had done this before and I felt full control over my ability to deliver another baby naturally. I don't think I ever opened my eyes. I simply listened to the voice of my nurse and especially James. Those contractions hurt like hell. Each time I pushed, I remembered the last two years in my head. The longing in my heart for this baby, The prayer and pleading that God would bless us with another child. The long, agonizing year trying to conceive. And now here I was just minutes from meeting her. These thoughts are what got me through the contractions. I held my breath for a count of ten and pushed. And then I did it again and again. At one point I screamed,"I just can't do this!" Until James told me he could see her head, and then I knew I could do it. Anything to make those contractions stop!  And anything to see her sweet face! A few more strong pushes, and out she came. I am so grateful that I was able to deliver naturally. I have loved my natural births with both my daughters! Though the contractions hurt like hell, and sometimes you really feel like you are in hell, there is no greater feeling than giving that final push and feeling the sensation of your baby coming out. What a rush! And nothing makes me feel like more of a woman!  I pushed for a total of less than 10 minutes. Yeah I know, all of womankind hates me for having a 10 minute delivery.... But let me tell you,  I labored through those contractions full force for 2 hours and they were excruciating!!  I was in shock that she came so fast, and yet I don't think I could have gone much longer because of how intense it was.

I can't believe you're here! I felt like I was dreaming.

Daddy in awe of you

First family photo!

Looking back on the day, I see God's hand in all of it. Those 5 weeks of thinking she would come any day were torture! God really forced me to be patient and fully place my trust in Him during those weeks.  I DID NOT want that induction, and yet God allowed my heart to change and to trust that the induction was the right thing. Despite needing an induction, I am so grateful to the nurses and especially my doctor for being understanding about my wish to not be given Pitocin to start labor. Most doctors are not patient enough to let you wait it out all day for contractions to start.  Though I was fearful of my doctor delivering the baby since he didn't deliver my first, I found myself grateful he was there. Our doctor is Catholic just as we are, and that entire day I felt at ease knowing that he was there not only as our doctor, but also as part of the body of Christ and having a full appreciation for the dignity of human life. If I had been ready to push even five minutes later, he would have been unavailable in a high risk C-section. And thank goodness my delivery was so fast so that he could get back to the C-section! That day James did and said all the right things. He was my rock to lean on. I know that God guided him in exactly how to coach and encourage me. The day was truly beautiful.
 

Georgia Grace, you sure took your sweet time in deciding to greet the world. Now that you are here, we can't imagine life without you! You truly are our miracle baby. We will give God thanks everyday for the gift of you.

I Will Always Be Your Mama

My dear sweet Sophia, any day now, our lives are going to change dramatically. Our little family of three will be no longer. Any day now we will welcome your baby sister into our house and she will change our lives forever. I hope that you welcome this change. I pray that you welcome her with open arms and that you teach her all of the things you know so well. Teach her to play using her imagination, teach her all of her prayers, teach her to be artistic in her own unique way, teach her to be herself in everything she does, just as you are.

These past four years have been priceless to me. Four years to devote my entire heart to you. Four years of getting to know you and loving every facet of your spunky personality. Never again will I be the mother of only one child. I am forever changed, and so are you. We are changed for the better in a very big way.

There is something important that I need you to know. I need you to know that no matter how much our lives change and what sorts of adventures God has planned for our family, I will always be your mama and I will always be there. In every hurdle you face and every victory you conquer, I will be there to cry with you and to laugh with you.

You my dear sweet Sophia, you are my heart. You are my shining star. I love you more than I ever knew I was capable of loving. Thank you for that. Thank you for the past four years. Thank you for the years to come.

Growth

When I think about where I was a year ago and where I am today, I am in complete shock at how much growth and transformation God has done in me. This time last year, after 12 months of trying to conceive after our miscarriage, I was feeling lost.  12 months of trying may not seem long, but in my mind I assumed we wouldn't have to "try" so hard.  I distinctly remember a feeling of emptiness and longing. I was longing for a baby. I remember writing a very lengthy letter to my husband. I told him I was depressed. I told him I felt lost. I told him I couldn't bare the thought of never giving Sophia a sibling. I told him my heart was restless. I told him I needed God to take my burden. I told him I needed to escape. I daydreamed about running through a field to the top of a mountain and screaming as loud as I could. Maybe then God would hear me.

The next day James called me while I was at school and told me he was booking us a hotel for the weekend in La Jolla. He didn't ask me; he told me. That assertiveness ignited my heart so much. You see, very seldom does my husband make decisions without me because he knows I'm a control freak, but in this instant I needed him to take the reigns, and that's just what he did. We packed our bags the very next morning and the three of us drove six hours to the beach. Though we were only there for a mere 30 hours, it was so therapeutic for me. I soaked in that time with my sweet daughter. I thanked God for the gift of her. I reminded myself that here and now I am her mother. Rather than dwelling on the children I'm longing for, I was able to remind myself of the child in front of me who just wants her mother to be there.  And I was there.

For the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to have faith. To patiently wait on The Lord. Sophia was already 3 1/2, a much bigger age gap than I desired for my children. I didn't understand it. But I sat back and waited. And trusted. During this time, with the guidance of my doctor, I decided to take meds to help regulate my erratic periods. This was a difficult decision to make since I am very natural minded. We were pretty sure I wasn't ovulating, and my doctor said that without giving my body a "kickstart",  I may never conceive again. Knowing that the medication was approved by the Catholic church, I obliged. Although after 3 rounds of meds, I gave up because they didn't seem to be working; my cycles were still long and irregular, a clear indication that I probably wasn't ovulating.

James and I began to pray harder than we have ever prayed. We begged God to reveal His will. We didn't beg for a baby, we simply begged for His will to be done. My periods became longer and longer and despite my despair, I prayed my heart out. I fervently slept with a St. Gerard prayer card under my pillow and James and I prayed the Saint Gerard Novena together. Every week after mass, my mom and Sophia went to light a candle for us and pray that we would conceive.  My sweet Grandma even added us as an intention to her weekly rosary group. We had numerous friends praying for us, and I took comfort in that. I failed to mention that my sister was pregnant with her second baby during this time. I was in utter shock at how quickly they conceived. Despite the shock, I was never jealous, not even for a second. I remember being grateful. Grateful that I could carry this burden of miscarriage and infertility and that my sister didn't have to deal with such pain.

On February 12, the unthinkable happened. My sister went into labor at 22 weeks gestation. Everything happened so fast and they just weren't able to stop her contractions. She delivered her sweet baby girl who lived for a mere 3 hours. My heart was broken for my sister, for this horrible loss. I felt dumb for ever mourning my own miscarriage. This seemed so much worse. I was so angry at God. I had hoped that I bore the cross of a miscarriage so that my sister wouldn't have to. And now this. Why God? Why, why, why? We had the funeral for sweet baby Celeste on February 20, 2013. It was just beautiful. A perfect celebration of her short life here on Earth.

The day after the funeral, I mentioned to James that I STILL hadn't gotten a period! It had been almost 2 months. My thought was, "that stupid medication didn't do a damn thing!" Despite my fear and anxiety, he made me take a pregnancy test. I nonchalantly peed on the stick to appease him. When it was positive, I screamed. Then I took FOUR more tests.  They were all positive. After 15 agonizing months of trying, we were finally pregnant.

What we had been praying for for months had happened and I found myself a little bit angry. What kind of cruel God would take my sister's sweet baby to heaven and then the very next day bless me with new life? I was completely petrified to tell my sister I was pregnant. Part of me was ashamed to be pregnant at a time like this.

Ironically, she was the first person I told, and her reaction was priceless. I have never seen any person smile as big as she did that night. And I have never seen such heartfelt tears of joy. I knew in her reaction that she was truly, genuinely happy and that meant the world to me.

Now here we are just weeks away from welcoming our second baby. I look back on this year, rather, the past two years and I am grateful. God has truly taught me the hard way how to have faith. So often we want things to happen on our timing, and yet I hear God's voice telling me, "just you wait and see what I have planned, just you wait".  Even still, it breaks my heart a little bit to think of how large the age gap is between these two children. Being a cradle Catholic, I was always taught that you are "supposed" to have lots of babies and they are "supposed" to be very close in age. Well I'm here to say that's a load of crap. Now I know that God will guide the spacing of our children exactly according to His will. He has a unique and beautiful design for every family. There is something so liberating about giving it up to the Lord, especially for a control freak like myself ;)
 Jesus I trust in you.

Her Imagination

 I'm linking up with one of my favorite bloggers of all time, the amazing and talented Corinna!!!!! Okay okay, she's my sister.... But I still think she is pretty awesome! Check out her Keepin' It Real Mondays. Pretty funny stuff! I have added my link to her blog in hopes that we can all share our motherhood moments and laugh at each other :)

If I had to pick one favorite trait of my sweet Sophia, it would be her imagination without a doubt. One of the most important parts of my and my husband's parenting style, is to raise our children in simplicity. The world we live in is so complex and as technology advances, our children can fall prey to forgetting how to be children. We make huge efforts in our home  to limit how much TV and technology we use to encourage Sophia to use her imagination. Based on these pictures, I think you can tell it's working!

Watching Sophia play is one of my greatest joys. Seriously. I could sit and just watch her play for an hour and love every minute of it. I don't know how she comes up with these elaborate schemes and ideas. It takes me back to my own childhood. My sister and I would play dolls for HOURS. I mean HOURS! We never owned a fancy Barbie dream house, but I do recall using various pieces of furniture to make our own dream house. I remember my mom screaming at us 100 times to please come eat dinner because we seemed to get so lost in our play, that we could think of nothing else. Those were the days.

Encouraging your child to let their imagination run rampant comes with a small price: toys EVERYWHERE! It feels impossible to keep the house clean because Sophia is always up to something, with her stuffed animals and dolls sprawled throughout the house. Some days I come home from work, and I can't even get through the front door because her horseys are up to something. Other times, I crawl into bed at night and find Ladybug Girl and the gang hiding under the sheets.

In all honesty, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love her imagination and I even secretly love having toys all over my house. The years of having my living room covered in toys will come and go in an instant. I want to enjoy this precious stage of my daughter's childhood. I want to relish it and soak it in for as long as possible.

This is who I am

My sister came over for dinner tonight and we were talking about blogs among other things. She mentioned a blog to me called The Wiegands. I had never heard of it, but I decided to check it out after I settled Sophia down for the night. The first post I came across was one of this wife and mother stating what she is and what she is not. It really struck me and inspired me. So here it goes:

I am brutally honest and opionated

I am real

I am not catty

I am not fake

I am so shy

I am so socially awkward

I am best friends with my husband

I am passionate

I am dedicated

I am a mother who misses her child every minute I'm not with her

I am needy

I am codependent

I am sloppy

I am willing to do whatever is best for my child even at the cost of someone else thinking I'm nuts

I am not naturally good at fashion

I am not clean

I am so ridiculously in love with my husband

I am happy

I am uptight

I am a mess sometimes

I am fully present


Notice my first thought? I am brutally honest. I think based upon this post, you can figure that out. I am all for admitting my flaws and embracing my strengths. Anyone else?

22 Weeks

 Wow. It feels surreal to write this post because a part of my mind still can't grasp this blessing. I'm pregnant! The last post I wrote back in October was the 1 year anniversary of suffering a miscarriage, and now I feel like God has brought me full circle as we are expecting sweet baby girl #2 in October! He really does make all things new.

I say that my mind still can't grasp this blessing, because I honestly wasn't sure if we would ever conceive again. My hormones were very out of whack for a while,  and it was hard to stay hopeful after trying to conceive for over a year.

The inability to get pregnant reaffirmed so many things for me. It reaffirmed the fact that fertility is a God given gift that should never be taken for granted. It reaffirmed my appreciation for Sophia. And most importantly, it reaffirmed that God is in control!! I tend to be a little bit a lot of a control freak, and I always want to know what to expect and when to expect it. I don't like when things don't go according to plan. This experience has undoubtedly taught me that I don't have ANY control and He has ALL control! This is really a tough lesson for me, but definitely an important lesson in this life.

I'm 22 weeks pregnant and trying to relish every moment. Trying to remember every feeling, every flutter in my stomach. I realize in a really big way, that I don't have control over how many babies God will give me. If this is my last pregnancy, I want to be fully present to it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to remember every feeling of this sweet life in my womb. The first 18 weeks were filled with lots of nausea and food aversions. Thankfully, I am finally letting go of some of that. Although I'm still not crazy about the thought of veggies, they are becoming a little more tolerable.

I think my biggest frustration has been my exhaustion. I truly feel like I don't have energy for anything! Showering feels like an accomplishment, forget about styling my hair,  and it's a miracle if I can keep my eyes open past 8:30pm! I don't even want to talk about exercise because that is a sensitive subject. I find myself green with envy when I hear my fellow pregnant mamas talk of exercising. I'm pretty sure I have gained more weight in my thighs than I have in my stomach. Oh well; the husband seems to like me a little fleshy so maybe I should be grateful...I feel like I haven't had any time for myself this pregnancy. I go to work, come home, prepare dinner, spend time with Sophia, spend a very short time with the husband, and then off to bed. I miss blogging, I miss reading, I miss painting my nails, I miss spending time in the kitchen to prepare fancy meals. Obviously these are all small sacrifices that I wouldn't trade for anything! There is a life growing within me, and I will sacrifice all of these things 100 times over for this sweet new baby!

We are eagerly awaiting your arrival precious baby girl!

Waiting For The Lord

I really truly thought that this photo would be the last photo taken of us as a family of 3. This photo was taken just 1 week before we found out I was pregnant. Our hearts were so overjoyed! We have always had an openness to life within our marriage, trusting that we need to allow the Lord to guide our child spacing. After finding out I was pregnant, I felt such reassurance that God was revealing His beautiful design for our family. FINALLY, Sophia would have a sibling!

After finding out I was in the process of miscarrying on October 19th of last year, I felt numb. I have never felt so angry at God. Why would God take my baby from me before I ever got to meet her
(or his) sweet face? Why did Jesus need this baby in heaven more than He desired for me to know and raise this baby?

I was heart broken. I survived on Ben and Jerry's for 3 days, and when a few good friends brought me a box of brownies, I ate the entire box for lunch.... I needed to feel numb. I didn't want to feel the emptiness and sadness in my heart. After a week of complete and total self loathing, I finally knew that I needed to face reality and I needed to begin the journey of giving this burden to Jesus.

We had participated in the creation of a baby who we would never meet; at least not in this life. After driving in the car one day, and Sophia repeatedly shouting, "baby Mary, baby Mary, baby Mary" we asked her who baby Mary was. She answered matter of factly that baby Mary was in heaven with Jesus. And so we named this sweet baby MaryRose. It seemed like a fitting name for a child who had a straight ticket to heaven.

Months and months went by. We began to desire conceiving again immediately, but it wasn't happening. Nothing brought me solace. Whether talking to my mom, my sister, my husband, friends at church. Nothing comforted me. I had built up such a wall.  I was so angry and so stubborn. Finally at a point when I had begun to hit rock bottom, we were at church and Father announced that the prayer teams were available after mass to pray for special intentions. After mass, my husband pretty much dragged me to the prayer team. As I was walking over to the teams, I was drawn to a husband and wife team, and the holy spirit put this thought in my mind, "she lost a baby too". I started sobbing uncontrollably and I felt like an idiot. I went up to her and her husband and told her what was going on. She told me that she had lost 5 babies and yet she also had 5 healthy children. Praise God. I confessed my fears that there was something wrong with me. (After months and months of not being able to conceive, I had convinced myself that I must be seriously ill.) The woman praying over me, gave me such an embracing hug. I was touched by her gentleness despite the fact that I had never met her. She looked at me with a very serious look in her eyes and she said, "sweetheart, that baby is in heaven because you needed an extra saint on your side, praying for you everyday." WOW! What grace I received from that statement! Numerous people had referred to my baby as an angel, but as Catholics we don't believe that people become angels when they die. Hearing that my baby was a saint whom I could talk to and who could intercede for me, brought me the comfort that I had longed for.

The past year has been hard. Really hard. In more ways than one.  I have been so angry for the past year. Every time I see a pregnant woman, my first thought is complete and total anger. I have begun to be sickly jealous of those women who find it so easy to get pregnant. You don't know how lucky you are! I am now able to turn this jealousy into a prayer because I know that jealousy is not of God. We recently found out that there are medical reasons for my inability to conceive. To put it simply, my hormones are VERY out of wack. I have begun to take natural approaches to normalize my hormones as much as possible. (If anyone wants to know more about this topic, I would love to share; being the health nut that I am, the topic of fertility diets is a HUGE passion of mine.) I am blessed to have a Catholic doctor who respects my dignity as a woman. He has complete faith that in time, we will conceive again.

I have spent the past year negotiating and pleading with God. I have felt such a fog over me. Every time I am in front of the blessed sacrament, I felt a physical pull and tension. I felt God trying to take this from me, and I felt my stubborn heart say, "No!" My fear has been that if I surrender this to Jesus, it is as though I am giving up on having a baby. I have been so foolish.  Clearly it is only through our surrender that God will truly reveal His plans for us.

I look back on this year with gratitude. James and I both agree that this has been the hardest year of our marriage.  If not for the grace of God I truly think that our marriage would be on the rocks, I would be on antidepressants, and we would probably be taking drastic measures to have a baby. God is bigger than all of that.  I would love to say that I had a huge light bulb moment that finally gave me total trust and comfort, but the reality is that there have been numerous small light bulbs. I literally feel like God has taken my heart from my chest, twisted and turned it upside down and conformed it to Him. I am grateful. It has taken an entire YEAR for me to say yes, but I am grateful nonetheless. On this day, I find myself joyful. I am joyful for our beautiful, healthy family of 3. I am joyful for our Catholic faith, I am joyful for a husband who will lead me and support me. I am joyful for the realization that all things happen on His time.

Possibly the greatest lessons of my life that I have learned through this experience are this:
1.Getting angry at God is only sinful if that anger leads us away from Him. My anger and frustration has led me right into His arms and I am thankful.
2. Negotiating with God doesn't work, so stop trying.
3. Living your life according to His will is always worth it.
4. When struggling with infertility, or anything for that matter, make sure to constantly check in with yourself to make sure that God is in charge and not you.
5. Fertility is a gift. A true, God given gift. Whether you have a very large family and continue to conceive with ease, or you struggle to conceive, the ability to carry a child in your womb is a beautiful gift from God that is abused a lot in our culture. To carry another soul alongside your own soul- what a miracle!

I continue to desire more children. I have a very strong desire for Sophia to have a sibling. I never envisioned myself as only having one child. I feel very strongly that one way or another, we will have more children. Whether God allows my body to normalize, or we take on the gift of adoption. Until then, we are a family of 3 and I say Yes! I say Yes to the plans of the Lord.

*It is my greatest hope and desire to be a source of support for other women who struggle with infertility. Unfortunately more and more people continue to have struggles conceiving.  There are tons of reasons that infertility is so prevalent today; one of these reasons is an excess amount of processed foods and endocrine disrupting foods. There are numerous dietary measures you can take to increase your chances of conception. I would love nothing more than to offer support and encouragement for anyone who is struggling with loss or infertility.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
-psalm 27:14

You Are My Sunshine

 My sweet Sophia Therese. I love your life. I love that you were born. As the weeks and months go by, I begin to think more and more that your birth was a miracle. You were born because God has destined you for a purpose! You will never understand how much you make me whole. I think at this stage in life, I depend on you more than you depend on me. You are the reason I wake up in the morning. You ignite my heart.

The fact that God has given you to me for a short time takes my breath away. I will make it my life's work to bring you closer to Him. I want you to know Him. I want you to know that we love because He first loved us.

I want you to always know that you are a treasure! Your dad and I treasure you more than you realize. The 3 of us, we are a family. We might be it. It might just always be us 3. And you know what? That's okay. As much as my heart is aching for another and aching for you to have a sibling, we will wholeheartedly except God's plans. His plans are so much greater than our own.

If my only purpose in life is to be your mother and your Dad's wife, I say yes! We know not the plans of the Lord.

I cannot believe 3 years have gone by. My goodness. Weren't you just born yesterday? You are a treasure. Your life is a gift. I am a better person because of your birth.

You are my sunshine.

He is Risen!

 This lent was a difficult one. I have been feeling so mournful lately. Not in a depressed way, but in a very prayerful way. I feel like God was calling me to truly suffer this lent. To suffer for His glory. I feel as though he ripped my heart from my chest and transformed it. There was definitely transforming that needed to be done! I have been very negative lately and finding it hard to fully trust in Him and His will. This lent brought on a lot of frustration and contemplation. There was a lot of work that needed to be done on my heart and God did it! I am always grateful for the opportunity to grow during lent. I can say without hesitation that this lent was both the best and worst lend of my life. I loved it because I knew that it was causing me to grow, I hated it because it was hard work! Needless to say, I was eager for Easter to approach so that I could feel the joy of His resurrection.

What a blessed Easter it was! We had the exciting privilege of hosting Easter breakfast for the first time! I was very excited because since we have an incredibly small house, it's not very often that we get to have people over. We woke up bright and early to prep everything. Although we were only having three people over, (James' parents and his sister)  I  wanted to make it special. We cooked a goat cheese and mushroom quiche, organic sausage and bacon, whole wheat honey waffles, and our guests brought a few other yummy treats. I also hung some paper pom poms outside and put out some fresh flowers.  I was quite impressed with my {not so} crafty self! It took Sophia a few minutes to figure out that the Easter bunny had brought a special basket. Once she discovered it, there was a very long tantrum when she realized I was not about to let her have jelly beans for breakfast. I was debating whether or not to give her a little bit of candy this year. When I found all natural jelly beans at Trader Joe's, I couldn't pass them up!

She gets more beautiful and more grown up by the day!

Gosh, these two are my EVERYTHING! They are the dynamic duo that keep me going.

My lovely centerpiece

Sophia discovering her Easter basket

After our much needed afternoon nap, we went over to my parents' house for an Easter dinner. My mom was sweet enough to put together an egg hunt for Sophia. I think she enjoyed it a lot!We had a traditional meal with ham, sweet potatoes, and broccoli.  I made some delicious whole wheat super duper healthy cupcakes to try and keep things somewhat nutritious:) although the loads of candy are unavoidable on holidays! All in all I say it was a great Easter. Plenty of yummy food and family time and a great liturgy this morning. Alleluia He is risen!

Whole wheat cupcakes. 100% unprocessed. 100% delicious! If you are interested in this recipe, here is the link:http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/2011/08/05/recipe-whole-wheat-chocolate-cake-with-easy-whipped-cream-frosting/

Perfectly Made

What if I could choose which of my traits my children inherited and which ones I don't want them to inherit? That would be amazing!!!! I was thinking about this the other day when we went over to a friend's house, and Sophia didn't want to get down and play for a few minutes and instead tried to hide her face against me. I thought to myself, "oh no! She is becoming shy like her mama!"  NOOOOO! Honestly, my shyness is one of my least favorite things about myself. I was the little girl who dropped out of EVERY activity I ever joined and made my mom walk me to my class on the first day of school even up through my freshman year of high school. Yep, true story. As an adult, I hate my child self for not being outgoing. I feel like I missed out on experiencing more activities in school and building stronger friendships. Now that I am an adult, I always worry that people think I am snobby, when in fact I am just REALLY shy and definitely not a social butterfly. I don't want my children to be shy. I want Sophia to be willing to try new activities and make lots of friends. I want her to be confident and social and experience everything that life has to offer her.

I most definitely do not want my children to inherit my ability to let everything stress me out. I am really good at turning a small problem into a huge catastrophe. Its a good thing I have a wonderful husband to calm me down and keep me grounded.  I definitely hope Sophia grows up to be laid back like her daddy and not uptight like her mama.  It amazes me sometimes just how laid back James can be when we are having a crazy day. I can't help but say to him, "why aren't you freaking out right now?!!!!" I hate to think of myself as uptight, but unfortunately, when it comes to things I care about, I am VERY uptight and opinionated. Darn it!

The quality that I hope my children inherit from their dad is not only his calm demeanor, but especially his ability to see the best in every situation. James is very much a glass half full sort of guy and I am grateful. No matter what we are dealing with in life, he always knows how to remain positive. I love this about him 

Ok so then what do I want my children to inherit from me? I love my ability to be genuine. I am very much a "what you see is what you get" sort of person which isn't always a good thing. If I am having a bad day, its obvious in the way I carry myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve because I don't know how else to wear it. I am very real. I don't consider myself flaky or fake whatsoever. I don't feel above anyone or better than anyone. I try to stay very candid and honest in my interpretation of things. I hope that my children will grow up to understand the importance of being yourself. Though I am shy and I  completely suck at meeting new people, I don't try and change this about myself because I know that I am perfectly made in God's eyes and he wants me to be me. I hope and pray that my children will learn from me the importance of being true to yourself and genuine. Whether my children are shy or outgoing or uptight or laid back, I hope they know that the Lord has made them perfectly and our God doesn't make mistakes!

I think I was in preschool in this photo. I was super duper shy in preschool to everyone except my boyfriend Michael :) Yep, I had a boyfriend when I was four. I love the look on my sister's face. She is probably saying," I can't believe you got a boyfriend before me, that's not fair!" Its probably because I like to wear awesome sparkly dresses from the 80s....

Since we are taking a walk down memory lane, here is an elementary picture of James! Isn't this hilarious! Nice necklace James :) Love you!

Seeing the Blessings Amidst the Storm

My life feels like complete and utter chaos right now. Most days I throw up my hands in defeat because either I didn't get my studying done, or the house is trashed. And when I say trashed, I mean you can't make it through the living room without stepping on a toy or a peanut butter cookie crumb. In addition to feeling this distress, I am constantly tired. I mean constantly. There is such a delicate balance between having time to study, clean, and spend time with Sophia and James.  I have to think of school as my career right now because it is the only way to get through it. Being a student means going to class and then devoting every minute of my evening to studying. Its truly the only way to get through it. Nutrition is not an easy field to be getting into! 

I graduated high school in 2005. The fact that I don't have a degree yet makes me sad. The fact that Sophia doesn't have a sibling yet makes me even more sad. The fear of graduating and not getting accepted to an internship and not becoming a dietitian makes me furious. The other day I had a huge ah ha moment. We had just finished making dinner, there were toys everywhere, I was doing dishes and then I looked over at James and Sophia. They were both wearing silly hats and playing "horsey" where Daddy is the horse and he runs around with Sophia on his back. I couldn't help but stop and savor this moment. God told me in that second, "Delia stop it! Stop wondering about the future, stop trying to micro manage, I will give you a child when its time, and I will guide your vocation to whatever I call you to. Enjoy the moment and love the child that is here with you." This moment almost brought me to tears. For every stressful day and every messy peanut butter and jelly grossness that I wipe off the table, I am abundantly blessed in a way that most girls dream of. I am married to the love of my life and I have a daughter who is more special than I ever realized she would be. The chaos of my life is the joy of my life. I love picking up toys and sticky messes, because it reminds me of the sweet girl that I have the opportunity of raising and forming into a daughter of His.  I am grateful for where I am in life and I know that His plans are greater than my own. I will endure however much chaos it takes so that I can live my life according to His will.

I love these two so much! Just another fun night at the Salas house!

A New Year

I am really looking forward to 2012. I have such a good feeling about this year. I realize that sounds very cliche, but its true! The Salas family needs to have a good year! The past few months have been really stressful between school, finances, and the emotional toll of experiencing a miscarriage.  God has carried us through everything, and I am grateful.  Okay okay, I hate making resolutions because most of the time people make ridiculous resolutions that they cannot keep. I am making my resolutions because I want to see how many things on my list will happen. I think it will be so fun to look back on this list next year and see my accomplishments and growth. Think of these as goals rather than resolutions. Goal just has a nicer ring to it, don't you think?

New Year's Resolutions (goals)

1.Graduate with a degree in Nutrition and Dietetics. Can I get a woot woot! I am scheduled to graduate fall 2012.

2. Band success. This is more a goal of my husband's than mine, but it is also my goal because I support his dreams.  It is my hope that the release of their new album will bring a lot of success and greater opportunities to play music and spread His word.

3. Have a baby! I realize that this is really not in my control. I guess this is more of a desire than a goal. I desperately want to ring in the new year for 2013 with a little baby in my arms. My heart is aching for another  baby in a way that only my fellow mothers can understand.

4. Get our finances in check. We have some debt right now that I am really stressed about and sometimes it keeps James up at night thinking about... I'll spare the details here, but I hope that this year will be the year to get us to a very financially secure state!

5. I want to be more assertive in my desire to feed my family organic, unprocessed foods. This is a really hard topic to try and make our families understand. A few family members will continue to try and give Sophia junk food and I hate feeling like the bad guy and having to repeatedly tell them that we don't like to eat processed food. I want people to have an understanding of why I choose organic and to not think that I am a crazy ridiculous snob for not letting my daughter eat very much junk food. I guess my goal is to help my family have a greater understanding and maybe even hop on the "whole, unprocessed foods bandwagon" with us!

6. Possibly my greatest goal for the new year is to delve deeper into my faith. I have recently had a really strong realization that teaching my daughter about her faith does not start at any certain age, it starts now! I hope that this year we can develop stronger prayer habits as a family and begin to teach Sophia in more and more ways about the church and our beautiful Catholic faith.

Happy New Year!

Jesus' Birthday!!!

I am still in shock by how quickly Christmas came this year! I wanted this year to really be about traditions and family rather than the gifts. I wanted a simple and meaningful Christmas and I think in a lot of ways that is what I got. We did a lot of celebrating (too much if you ask me) which was a really great reminder of the reason for the holiday. Being surrounded by family and traditions that I grew up with made Christmas feel special. My dad makes delicious sticky buns and a festive meat pie that are both to die for! (Probably shouldn't tell you how sick I got over the week of Christmas because I ate so much meat. My GI tract hates me right now. I haven't been eating animal products lately.) I think both James and I are still trying to figure out how to separate from our parents and start our own traditions. It will be a work in progress as our family grows.  My favorite thing about this Christmas was Sophia's fixation on Baby Jesus. I spent a lot of time telling her that it would be Baby Jesus' birthday soon and that it is a very special day. A few family members told Sophia about Santa, but she wanted nothing to do with him! She spent the days leading up to Christmas completely fixated on our nativity scene and singing songs to baby Jesus. Knowing that my daughter has a small understanding and Knowledge of the true reason of Christmas brings me so much more joy than any amount of gifts ever will.

My parents gave us this nativity scene last year and I love it so much!

She is holding Baby Jesus and marveling at the sight of him! I am so glad that I was able to capture this photo. She was completely fixated on Him and trying to hold Him like a little baby in the same way she holds her dolls :)

I have to include a few more sweet photos from December. My dad really wanted to bake cookies this year and so we had a cookie extravaganza at my parents' house. It was a lot of fun but also drove me a little crazy too. Sophia does not understand the concept of baking yet. She wants to eat whatever is in front of her and keep eating it non stop. She threw a fit when I wouldn't let her eat the batter and I think she ate at least 4 cookies that were covered in frosting! UGH. Its Christmas right... Hopefully next year we can keep the cookie eating under control. It was a fun afternoon needless to say. Oh yeah  and we also celebrated my birthday... I had to include a few cute photos:)

So much frosting! ugh. I really need to look for some organic frosting that doesn't involve yellow #5 and blue lake #6. GROSS!

Sophia and her Grumpy eating (a very small piece)  birthday cake*
*Shame on me! This is not my birthday cake as I originally thought it was! This is from my sister's gender reveal party. In case you can't tell by the pink cake, she is having a girl in early May! So stinkin excited to be an auntie!

Happy Birthday to me! Yep that's right, I'm 25! I am all of a sudden feeling old. I'll be 30 before I know it. eeek.

Me and my big sis. Can you tell who is who? Yeah me either. Did I tell you she is preggo? Baby Evangeline is due in early May. I am so thrilled to be an auntie!!! I wonder if I will be as crazy and protective of her as I am of my own daughter...