My heart is hurting right now, and yet at the same time, God is giving me so much clarity. We found out two weeks ago that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. This news was possibly the most devastating news of my life. Losing a child that I already love so much has not been easy. My husband and I tried so hard to get pregnant. When it finally happened, we were so overjoyed. Our plan for our family was in accordance with God's plan! My morning sickness was completely unbearable for 7 very long weeks. I had to give up any form of exercise and I was eating nothing but crackers and Sprite. All of these small sacrifices were so worth it when I thought about the joy that would come in the next few weeks as we heard the heartbeat, felt the baby kicking, and found out the sex. Little did I know that we would never hear our baby's heartbeat again because God took her to heaven before we could meet her.
The pain and realization of all of this hit me like a ton of bricks as I laid there on the table with two doctors frantically trying to find a heartbeat. The rush of emotion when they tell you your baby is dead is excruciating. My emotions have changed in every way these past few weeks. I find myself screaming at God in anger and then the next minute I am filled with a sadness that makes me think I won't survive such heartache. I have a baby in heaven that I won't meet until I go to heaven. I took part in the creation of this soul, and yet God says that He needs to keep her for Himself. I don't understand this. I will probably never understand it, but I have to accept it. I have to believe that God has a perfect plan for my life and for our family. God knows the desires in my heart. He knows how much my heart is aching for another baby. I can only hope and pray that he will allow me to experience this happiness again.
This post may come across as morbid to anyone who chooses to read it, but I need to post this. I need to talk about this baby. This baby is just as much a part of our family as Sophia is. I know that this baby was alive in me. I heard her sweet heartbeat when she was only 6 weeks along. I saw a picture of her on the ultrasound monitor. I am so grateful for that ultrasound. Typically, my doctor doesn't do ultrasounds so early on, but we needed to know how far along I was, and this was the only way to be sure. That picture is the only picture I will ever have of this sweet baby. By writing this post, I am acknowledging the life that I value and love. If nothing else, I am writing this post for myself. As a way to sort my thoughts. I have to put my thoughts out there because writing them down makes me believe that all of this is real. Sometimes it still feels like a really bad nightmare that I can't escape.
A few days after going to the doctor, I was driving Sophia to preschool. She was being silly in the backseat and kept saying things like, "baby, where are you? Baby, baby, baby. What are you doing baby?" I looked through the car to find her baby doll that she was talking to. When I couldn't find a doll, I said, "Sophia, are you talking about the baby that was in Mommy's belly?" She answered and said, "Baby Mary, Baby Mary, Baby Mary." I then said, "Is the baby in heaven?" She answered and said, "baby with Jesus." These words pierced my heart. I have to believe that in some small and intimate way, God revealed to my sweet girl that she has a sister in heaven. I don't know why she repeated "baby Mary." I don't know if this means that Mary the mother of God is with my baby, or if the baby is named Mary. Ever since I first became pregnant, James and I felt strongly that it was a girl. We wanted to give this baby a special name. Something that seemed out of the ordinary and yet also classic. The decision was easy. The name just sort of popped into my head (and Sophia's head) and James loved it too!
Our sweet MaryRose, we love you. We trust that the Lord took you for a special purpose. You are a gift. I anxiously await the day that I will meet you and hold my sweet baby girl. In the meantime, we will pray for you, and please pray for us too. We love you MaryRose.