Heaven

I have to write this down for fear that if I don't, I might forget...

Driving home tonight with just myself and Sophia, we were talking about how beautiful the full moon was. Sophia then started rattling off about heaven and all the saints. "Saint Joseph and Holy Mary, and Saint Anthony, and Saint Luke, and Maryrose"..... I asked her, "do you remember who Maryrose is?" She responded, "Yes. Baby sister in heaven." What happened next is what really broke my heart. She said, "Mommy my eyes are getting wet because I have tears". Then out of nowhere, she started sobbing hysterically and asking me why the baby in my tummy died and why she didn't get to meet her and when is she coming back from heaven.

As a mother, how do you begin to deal with this sort of heartache from your child? She is four years old! How can she possibly be grieving over a baby that I miscarried two years ago?  I don't understand how her young, innocent mind can understand the pain and suffering from this precious life we lost. The odd thing about this conversation is that tomorrow is the two year anniversary of when we found out we were having a miscarriage. This conversation came completely unprompted since we had made no mention of the miscarriage recently.

We talked the entire car ride home about baby sister in heaven. The whole time I prayed that God would give me words that she could understand. I don't know if He did, because she was pretty hysterical the whole time. I talked a lot about faith and how we trust that Jesus took baby sister for a special purpose and that she is very happy in heaven. This was a hard conversation for me. I never would have guessed that I would be having such a conversation quite yet; maybe in a few years, but not now. 

Even though tonight was completely unexpected and heart wrenching. I am grateful for it. I thank God for the opportunity to teach my daughter about faith and the sanctity of life. What a privilege that conversation was. 

Pray for us Maryrose.

I Will Always Be Your Mama

My dear sweet Sophia, any day now, our lives are going to change dramatically. Our little family of three will be no longer. Any day now we will welcome your baby sister into our house and she will change our lives forever. I hope that you welcome this change. I pray that you welcome her with open arms and that you teach her all of the things you know so well. Teach her to play using her imagination, teach her all of her prayers, teach her to be artistic in her own unique way, teach her to be herself in everything she does, just as you are.

These past four years have been priceless to me. Four years to devote my entire heart to you. Four years of getting to know you and loving every facet of your spunky personality. Never again will I be the mother of only one child. I am forever changed, and so are you. We are changed for the better in a very big way.

There is something important that I need you to know. I need you to know that no matter how much our lives change and what sorts of adventures God has planned for our family, I will always be your mama and I will always be there. In every hurdle you face and every victory you conquer, I will be there to cry with you and to laugh with you.

You my dear sweet Sophia, you are my heart. You are my shining star. I love you more than I ever knew I was capable of loving. Thank you for that. Thank you for the past four years. Thank you for the years to come.