Growth

When I think about where I was a year ago and where I am today, I am in complete shock at how much growth and transformation God has done in me. This time last year, after 12 months of trying to conceive after our miscarriage, I was feeling lost.  12 months of trying may not seem long, but in my mind I assumed we wouldn't have to "try" so hard.  I distinctly remember a feeling of emptiness and longing. I was longing for a baby. I remember writing a very lengthy letter to my husband. I told him I was depressed. I told him I felt lost. I told him I couldn't bare the thought of never giving Sophia a sibling. I told him my heart was restless. I told him I needed God to take my burden. I told him I needed to escape. I daydreamed about running through a field to the top of a mountain and screaming as loud as I could. Maybe then God would hear me.

The next day James called me while I was at school and told me he was booking us a hotel for the weekend in La Jolla. He didn't ask me; he told me. That assertiveness ignited my heart so much. You see, very seldom does my husband make decisions without me because he knows I'm a control freak, but in this instant I needed him to take the reigns, and that's just what he did. We packed our bags the very next morning and the three of us drove six hours to the beach. Though we were only there for a mere 30 hours, it was so therapeutic for me. I soaked in that time with my sweet daughter. I thanked God for the gift of her. I reminded myself that here and now I am her mother. Rather than dwelling on the children I'm longing for, I was able to remind myself of the child in front of me who just wants her mother to be there.  And I was there.

For the first time in my life, I knew what it meant to have faith. To patiently wait on The Lord. Sophia was already 3 1/2, a much bigger age gap than I desired for my children. I didn't understand it. But I sat back and waited. And trusted. During this time, with the guidance of my doctor, I decided to take meds to help regulate my erratic periods. This was a difficult decision to make since I am very natural minded. We were pretty sure I wasn't ovulating, and my doctor said that without giving my body a "kickstart",  I may never conceive again. Knowing that the medication was approved by the Catholic church, I obliged. Although after 3 rounds of meds, I gave up because they didn't seem to be working; my cycles were still long and irregular, a clear indication that I probably wasn't ovulating.

James and I began to pray harder than we have ever prayed. We begged God to reveal His will. We didn't beg for a baby, we simply begged for His will to be done. My periods became longer and longer and despite my despair, I prayed my heart out. I fervently slept with a St. Gerard prayer card under my pillow and James and I prayed the Saint Gerard Novena together. Every week after mass, my mom and Sophia went to light a candle for us and pray that we would conceive.  My sweet Grandma even added us as an intention to her weekly rosary group. We had numerous friends praying for us, and I took comfort in that. I failed to mention that my sister was pregnant with her second baby during this time. I was in utter shock at how quickly they conceived. Despite the shock, I was never jealous, not even for a second. I remember being grateful. Grateful that I could carry this burden of miscarriage and infertility and that my sister didn't have to deal with such pain.

On February 12, the unthinkable happened. My sister went into labor at 22 weeks gestation. Everything happened so fast and they just weren't able to stop her contractions. She delivered her sweet baby girl who lived for a mere 3 hours. My heart was broken for my sister, for this horrible loss. I felt dumb for ever mourning my own miscarriage. This seemed so much worse. I was so angry at God. I had hoped that I bore the cross of a miscarriage so that my sister wouldn't have to. And now this. Why God? Why, why, why? We had the funeral for sweet baby Celeste on February 20, 2013. It was just beautiful. A perfect celebration of her short life here on Earth.

The day after the funeral, I mentioned to James that I STILL hadn't gotten a period! It had been almost 2 months. My thought was, "that stupid medication didn't do a damn thing!" Despite my fear and anxiety, he made me take a pregnancy test. I nonchalantly peed on the stick to appease him. When it was positive, I screamed. Then I took FOUR more tests.  They were all positive. After 15 agonizing months of trying, we were finally pregnant.

What we had been praying for for months had happened and I found myself a little bit angry. What kind of cruel God would take my sister's sweet baby to heaven and then the very next day bless me with new life? I was completely petrified to tell my sister I was pregnant. Part of me was ashamed to be pregnant at a time like this.

Ironically, she was the first person I told, and her reaction was priceless. I have never seen any person smile as big as she did that night. And I have never seen such heartfelt tears of joy. I knew in her reaction that she was truly, genuinely happy and that meant the world to me.

Now here we are just weeks away from welcoming our second baby. I look back on this year, rather, the past two years and I am grateful. God has truly taught me the hard way how to have faith. So often we want things to happen on our timing, and yet I hear God's voice telling me, "just you wait and see what I have planned, just you wait".  Even still, it breaks my heart a little bit to think of how large the age gap is between these two children. Being a cradle Catholic, I was always taught that you are "supposed" to have lots of babies and they are "supposed" to be very close in age. Well I'm here to say that's a load of crap. Now I know that God will guide the spacing of our children exactly according to His will. He has a unique and beautiful design for every family. There is something so liberating about giving it up to the Lord, especially for a control freak like myself ;)
 Jesus I trust in you.

Captivated

How do you define intimacy in marriage? Most people think of sex immediately when you use that word....intimacy. Five years of marriage and five years of getting to know my husband has taught me that sex is only one very small part of intimacy in marriage.

James came home last night after being gone for 3 nights. We did the usual routine of eating dinner, brushing Sophia's teeth, reading books, and tucking her in. As we were eating, he said to me, "we need to talk about religion tonight". Okay.... That's not a big deal. We talk about religion pretty frequently in our house.

After we tucked Sophia in for the night, we headed downstairs and sat in bed and talked. First we caught each other up on the weekend apart, then after a while, he turned to me and asked, "how are you doing spiritually?" 

Wow. I don't even think in that instant that he knew what that comment did for my heart. I didn't expect him to ask me that. Its not a question that he asks frequently, if ever. I immediately choked up and almost got teary eyed. That question sent an arrow right to my heart. It pierced me and captivated me instantaneously. I have no doubt that God was at the center of that question; that conversation. God gave James the exact words that I needed to hear in that moment. 

I'm in the process of reading the book Captivating for the second time. If you haven't read it, please read it! When I'm done, I plan to make encourage James to read it. The book talks about the heart of a woman and our inherent desires to be part of a great adventure, to feel rescued by a prince, whether a man in your life or Jesus Himself, and to feel beautiful and desired. 

This simple question that James asked me made me feel all those things. I felt loved. I felt beautiful. I felt like I had a man who was willing to fight for me; willing to be sensitive and vulnerable, willing to captivate my heart to it's very depth. If that's not intimacy in marriage, then I don't know what is. 

Her Imagination

 I'm linking up with one of my favorite bloggers of all time, the amazing and talented Corinna!!!!! Okay okay, she's my sister.... But I still think she is pretty awesome! Check out her Keepin' It Real Mondays. Pretty funny stuff! I have added my link to her blog in hopes that we can all share our motherhood moments and laugh at each other :)

If I had to pick one favorite trait of my sweet Sophia, it would be her imagination without a doubt. One of the most important parts of my and my husband's parenting style, is to raise our children in simplicity. The world we live in is so complex and as technology advances, our children can fall prey to forgetting how to be children. We make huge efforts in our home  to limit how much TV and technology we use to encourage Sophia to use her imagination. Based on these pictures, I think you can tell it's working!

Watching Sophia play is one of my greatest joys. Seriously. I could sit and just watch her play for an hour and love every minute of it. I don't know how she comes up with these elaborate schemes and ideas. It takes me back to my own childhood. My sister and I would play dolls for HOURS. I mean HOURS! We never owned a fancy Barbie dream house, but I do recall using various pieces of furniture to make our own dream house. I remember my mom screaming at us 100 times to please come eat dinner because we seemed to get so lost in our play, that we could think of nothing else. Those were the days.

Encouraging your child to let their imagination run rampant comes with a small price: toys EVERYWHERE! It feels impossible to keep the house clean because Sophia is always up to something, with her stuffed animals and dolls sprawled throughout the house. Some days I come home from work, and I can't even get through the front door because her horseys are up to something. Other times, I crawl into bed at night and find Ladybug Girl and the gang hiding under the sheets.

In all honesty, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love her imagination and I even secretly love having toys all over my house. The years of having my living room covered in toys will come and go in an instant. I want to enjoy this precious stage of my daughter's childhood. I want to relish it and soak it in for as long as possible.

This is who I am

My sister came over for dinner tonight and we were talking about blogs among other things. She mentioned a blog to me called The Wiegands. I had never heard of it, but I decided to check it out after I settled Sophia down for the night. The first post I came across was one of this wife and mother stating what she is and what she is not. It really struck me and inspired me. So here it goes:

I am brutally honest and opionated

I am real

I am not catty

I am not fake

I am so shy

I am so socially awkward

I am best friends with my husband

I am passionate

I am dedicated

I am a mother who misses her child every minute I'm not with her

I am needy

I am codependent

I am sloppy

I am willing to do whatever is best for my child even at the cost of someone else thinking I'm nuts

I am not naturally good at fashion

I am not clean

I am so ridiculously in love with my husband

I am happy

I am uptight

I am a mess sometimes

I am fully present


Notice my first thought? I am brutally honest. I think based upon this post, you can figure that out. I am all for admitting my flaws and embracing my strengths. Anyone else?

22 Weeks

 Wow. It feels surreal to write this post because a part of my mind still can't grasp this blessing. I'm pregnant! The last post I wrote back in October was the 1 year anniversary of suffering a miscarriage, and now I feel like God has brought me full circle as we are expecting sweet baby girl #2 in October! He really does make all things new.

I say that my mind still can't grasp this blessing, because I honestly wasn't sure if we would ever conceive again. My hormones were very out of whack for a while,  and it was hard to stay hopeful after trying to conceive for over a year.

The inability to get pregnant reaffirmed so many things for me. It reaffirmed the fact that fertility is a God given gift that should never be taken for granted. It reaffirmed my appreciation for Sophia. And most importantly, it reaffirmed that God is in control!! I tend to be a little bit a lot of a control freak, and I always want to know what to expect and when to expect it. I don't like when things don't go according to plan. This experience has undoubtedly taught me that I don't have ANY control and He has ALL control! This is really a tough lesson for me, but definitely an important lesson in this life.

I'm 22 weeks pregnant and trying to relish every moment. Trying to remember every feeling, every flutter in my stomach. I realize in a really big way, that I don't have control over how many babies God will give me. If this is my last pregnancy, I want to be fully present to it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to remember every feeling of this sweet life in my womb. The first 18 weeks were filled with lots of nausea and food aversions. Thankfully, I am finally letting go of some of that. Although I'm still not crazy about the thought of veggies, they are becoming a little more tolerable.

I think my biggest frustration has been my exhaustion. I truly feel like I don't have energy for anything! Showering feels like an accomplishment, forget about styling my hair,  and it's a miracle if I can keep my eyes open past 8:30pm! I don't even want to talk about exercise because that is a sensitive subject. I find myself green with envy when I hear my fellow pregnant mamas talk of exercising. I'm pretty sure I have gained more weight in my thighs than I have in my stomach. Oh well; the husband seems to like me a little fleshy so maybe I should be grateful...I feel like I haven't had any time for myself this pregnancy. I go to work, come home, prepare dinner, spend time with Sophia, spend a very short time with the husband, and then off to bed. I miss blogging, I miss reading, I miss painting my nails, I miss spending time in the kitchen to prepare fancy meals. Obviously these are all small sacrifices that I wouldn't trade for anything! There is a life growing within me, and I will sacrifice all of these things 100 times over for this sweet new baby!

We are eagerly awaiting your arrival precious baby girl!

Waiting For The Lord

I really truly thought that this photo would be the last photo taken of us as a family of 3. This photo was taken just 1 week before we found out I was pregnant. Our hearts were so overjoyed! We have always had an openness to life within our marriage, trusting that we need to allow the Lord to guide our child spacing. After finding out I was pregnant, I felt such reassurance that God was revealing His beautiful design for our family. FINALLY, Sophia would have a sibling!

After finding out I was in the process of miscarrying on October 19th of last year, I felt numb. I have never felt so angry at God. Why would God take my baby from me before I ever got to meet her
(or his) sweet face? Why did Jesus need this baby in heaven more than He desired for me to know and raise this baby?

I was heart broken. I survived on Ben and Jerry's for 3 days, and when a few good friends brought me a box of brownies, I ate the entire box for lunch.... I needed to feel numb. I didn't want to feel the emptiness and sadness in my heart. After a week of complete and total self loathing, I finally knew that I needed to face reality and I needed to begin the journey of giving this burden to Jesus.

We had participated in the creation of a baby who we would never meet; at least not in this life. After driving in the car one day, and Sophia repeatedly shouting, "baby Mary, baby Mary, baby Mary" we asked her who baby Mary was. She answered matter of factly that baby Mary was in heaven with Jesus. And so we named this sweet baby MaryRose. It seemed like a fitting name for a child who had a straight ticket to heaven.

Months and months went by. We began to desire conceiving again immediately, but it wasn't happening. Nothing brought me solace. Whether talking to my mom, my sister, my husband, friends at church. Nothing comforted me. I had built up such a wall.  I was so angry and so stubborn. Finally at a point when I had begun to hit rock bottom, we were at church and Father announced that the prayer teams were available after mass to pray for special intentions. After mass, my husband pretty much dragged me to the prayer team. As I was walking over to the teams, I was drawn to a husband and wife team, and the holy spirit put this thought in my mind, "she lost a baby too". I started sobbing uncontrollably and I felt like an idiot. I went up to her and her husband and told her what was going on. She told me that she had lost 5 babies and yet she also had 5 healthy children. Praise God. I confessed my fears that there was something wrong with me. (After months and months of not being able to conceive, I had convinced myself that I must be seriously ill.) The woman praying over me, gave me such an embracing hug. I was touched by her gentleness despite the fact that I had never met her. She looked at me with a very serious look in her eyes and she said, "sweetheart, that baby is in heaven because you needed an extra saint on your side, praying for you everyday." WOW! What grace I received from that statement! Numerous people had referred to my baby as an angel, but as Catholics we don't believe that people become angels when they die. Hearing that my baby was a saint whom I could talk to and who could intercede for me, brought me the comfort that I had longed for.

The past year has been hard. Really hard. In more ways than one.  I have been so angry for the past year. Every time I see a pregnant woman, my first thought is complete and total anger. I have begun to be sickly jealous of those women who find it so easy to get pregnant. You don't know how lucky you are! I am now able to turn this jealousy into a prayer because I know that jealousy is not of God. We recently found out that there are medical reasons for my inability to conceive. To put it simply, my hormones are VERY out of wack. I have begun to take natural approaches to normalize my hormones as much as possible. (If anyone wants to know more about this topic, I would love to share; being the health nut that I am, the topic of fertility diets is a HUGE passion of mine.) I am blessed to have a Catholic doctor who respects my dignity as a woman. He has complete faith that in time, we will conceive again.

I have spent the past year negotiating and pleading with God. I have felt such a fog over me. Every time I am in front of the blessed sacrament, I felt a physical pull and tension. I felt God trying to take this from me, and I felt my stubborn heart say, "No!" My fear has been that if I surrender this to Jesus, it is as though I am giving up on having a baby. I have been so foolish.  Clearly it is only through our surrender that God will truly reveal His plans for us.

I look back on this year with gratitude. James and I both agree that this has been the hardest year of our marriage.  If not for the grace of God I truly think that our marriage would be on the rocks, I would be on antidepressants, and we would probably be taking drastic measures to have a baby. God is bigger than all of that.  I would love to say that I had a huge light bulb moment that finally gave me total trust and comfort, but the reality is that there have been numerous small light bulbs. I literally feel like God has taken my heart from my chest, twisted and turned it upside down and conformed it to Him. I am grateful. It has taken an entire YEAR for me to say yes, but I am grateful nonetheless. On this day, I find myself joyful. I am joyful for our beautiful, healthy family of 3. I am joyful for our Catholic faith, I am joyful for a husband who will lead me and support me. I am joyful for the realization that all things happen on His time.

Possibly the greatest lessons of my life that I have learned through this experience are this:
1.Getting angry at God is only sinful if that anger leads us away from Him. My anger and frustration has led me right into His arms and I am thankful.
2. Negotiating with God doesn't work, so stop trying.
3. Living your life according to His will is always worth it.
4. When struggling with infertility, or anything for that matter, make sure to constantly check in with yourself to make sure that God is in charge and not you.
5. Fertility is a gift. A true, God given gift. Whether you have a very large family and continue to conceive with ease, or you struggle to conceive, the ability to carry a child in your womb is a beautiful gift from God that is abused a lot in our culture. To carry another soul alongside your own soul- what a miracle!

I continue to desire more children. I have a very strong desire for Sophia to have a sibling. I never envisioned myself as only having one child. I feel very strongly that one way or another, we will have more children. Whether God allows my body to normalize, or we take on the gift of adoption. Until then, we are a family of 3 and I say Yes! I say Yes to the plans of the Lord.

*It is my greatest hope and desire to be a source of support for other women who struggle with infertility. Unfortunately more and more people continue to have struggles conceiving.  There are tons of reasons that infertility is so prevalent today; one of these reasons is an excess amount of processed foods and endocrine disrupting foods. There are numerous dietary measures you can take to increase your chances of conception. I would love nothing more than to offer support and encouragement for anyone who is struggling with loss or infertility.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
-psalm 27:14

You Are My Sunshine

 My sweet Sophia Therese. I love your life. I love that you were born. As the weeks and months go by, I begin to think more and more that your birth was a miracle. You were born because God has destined you for a purpose! You will never understand how much you make me whole. I think at this stage in life, I depend on you more than you depend on me. You are the reason I wake up in the morning. You ignite my heart.

The fact that God has given you to me for a short time takes my breath away. I will make it my life's work to bring you closer to Him. I want you to know Him. I want you to know that we love because He first loved us.

I want you to always know that you are a treasure! Your dad and I treasure you more than you realize. The 3 of us, we are a family. We might be it. It might just always be us 3. And you know what? That's okay. As much as my heart is aching for another and aching for you to have a sibling, we will wholeheartedly except God's plans. His plans are so much greater than our own.

If my only purpose in life is to be your mother and your Dad's wife, I say yes! We know not the plans of the Lord.

I cannot believe 3 years have gone by. My goodness. Weren't you just born yesterday? You are a treasure. Your life is a gift. I am a better person because of your birth.

You are my sunshine.