MaryRose

My heart is hurting right now, and yet at the same time, God is giving me so much clarity. We found out two weeks ago that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. This news was possibly the most devastating news of my life. Losing a child that I already love so much has not been easy. My husband and I tried so hard to get pregnant. When it finally happened, we were so overjoyed. Our plan for our family was in accordance with God's plan! My morning sickness was completely unbearable for 7 very long weeks. I had to give up any form of exercise and I was eating nothing but crackers and Sprite. All of these small sacrifices were so worth it when I thought about the joy that would come in the next few weeks as we heard the heartbeat, felt the baby kicking, and found out the sex. Little did I know that we would never hear our baby's heartbeat again because God took her to heaven before we could meet her. 

The pain and realization of all of this hit me like a ton of bricks as I laid there on the table with two doctors frantically trying to find a heartbeat. The rush of emotion when they tell you your baby is dead is excruciating. My emotions have changed in every way these past few weeks. I find myself screaming at God in anger and then the next minute I am filled with a sadness that makes me think I won't survive such heartache. I have a baby in heaven that I won't meet until I go to heaven. I took part in the creation of this soul, and yet God says that He needs to keep her for Himself. I don't understand this. I will probably never understand it, but I have to accept it. I have to believe that God has a perfect plan for my life and for our family. God knows the desires in my heart. He knows how much my heart is aching for another baby. I can only hope and pray that he will allow me to experience this happiness again.

This post may come across as morbid to anyone who chooses to read it, but I need to post this. I need to talk about this baby. This baby is just as much a part of our family as Sophia is. I know that this baby was alive in me. I heard her sweet heartbeat when she was only 6 weeks along. I saw a picture of her on the ultrasound monitor. I am so grateful for that ultrasound. Typically, my doctor doesn't do ultrasounds so early on, but we needed to know how far along I was, and this was the only way to be sure. That picture is the only picture I will ever have of this sweet baby. By writing this post, I am acknowledging the life that I value and love.  If nothing else, I am writing this post for myself. As a way to sort my thoughts. I have to put my thoughts out there because writing them down makes me believe that all of this is real. Sometimes it still feels like a really bad nightmare that I can't escape.

A few days after going to the doctor, I was driving Sophia to preschool. She was being silly in the backseat and kept saying things like, "baby, where are you? Baby, baby, baby. What are you doing baby?" I looked through the car to find her baby doll that she was talking to. When I couldn't find a doll, I said, "Sophia, are you talking about the baby that was in Mommy's belly?" She answered and said, "Baby Mary, Baby Mary, Baby Mary." I then said, "Is the baby in heaven?" She answered and said, "baby with Jesus."  These words pierced my heart. I have to believe that in some small and intimate way, God revealed to my sweet girl that she has a sister in heaven. I don't know why she repeated "baby Mary." I don't know if this means that Mary the mother of God is with my baby, or if the baby is named Mary. Ever since I first became pregnant, James and I felt strongly that it was a girl. We wanted to give this baby a special name. Something that seemed out of the ordinary and yet also classic. The decision was easy. The name just sort of popped into my head (and Sophia's head) and James loved it too!

Our sweet MaryRose, we love you. We trust that the Lord took you for a special purpose. You are a gift. I anxiously await the day that I will meet you and hold my sweet baby girl. In the meantime, we will pray for you, and please pray for us too. We love you MaryRose.

Pregnancy Gripes

I will start this post out by assuring readers that I am THRILLED to be pregnant. The joy that comes with taking part in the creation of another life and carrying that baby for 9 months is indescribable.  I count myself very blessed to be able to bring life into this world and I am so looking forward to expanding our ever growing family. Okay, so now that I stated my disclaimer, I think I am entitled to vent (just a little) about my pregnancy gripes. Here is my list of things that suck about being pregnant.

1. The nausea. I am one of the few who suffers from extreme morning sickness. There were a whole two weeks where I couldn't drink water without vomiting. Everyone says it will be over soon, but with my first baby, it lasted the first 2 trimesters!
2. All this morning sickness means that I am eating nothing very healthy. White bread, macaroni, saltines, cereal, hard candy. I envisioned things like: wild salmon, steel cut oats, fresh produce. Ha! I was in for a rude awakening. This baby doesn't like produce of any kind and definitely doesn't like anything whole wheat. UGH!
3. Exercise? For get about it! First of all, the nausea makes me completely off balance, and second of all, I have no energy. Seriously, I think if there was enough time in my day, I would take three naps. I sort of envy women who can continue their exercise routine through pregnancy. I considered myself to be really fit before getting pregnant, but 5 weeks of no exercise has turned my muscle to mush.
4. Feeling sick gives me zero motivation to shower or do my hair. Sorry if that's an over share, but I definitely don't shower seven days a week. It makes me so dizzy to stand there and tilt my head back. And doing my hair? No way Jose!

These are my pregnancy gripes. Obviously the good outweighs the bad. In 8 months I will have a beautiful new life to nurture and love.  I will gladly take on the morning sickness and the unhealthy food that makes me embarrassed to call myself a future dietitian!  As far as exercise goes, I'll worry about that after the baby comes. No matter how uncomfortable I am for these next few months, I will continue to give God thanks everyday for the opportunity to be a small part of one of His creations. When I really try to wrap my head around this, it overwhelms my heart. This is absolutely the greatest gift that God can give to me and I am so grateful!

Horseys and Choo Choo Trains

I must say that I complain about where we live A LOT! It is so darn hot here and sometimes I just want to know what its like to live in a place with four seasons! We don't really have a winter here; at least I don't consider it winter. Needless to say, once October comes, I am usually grateful to live here. The weather this past week has been perfect. We took advantage of it by going to the park everyday this week! Our favorite is the railroad park. It is complete with a carousel, train, splash pad, and an awesome playground. Every child's dreamland basically. I'm glad I have these photos, because it was such a joyful day for Sophia.

"I ride Horsey Mommy!" She really is a natural, what can I say?!

All Aboard!

She went down the big slide all by herself for the first time! 
She really is growing up faster than I can keep up with. 
I was so proud of her for this accomplishment though!

We are Finally Pregnant!

I cannot begin to express how overjoyed I am that God is blessing us with another child! We have wanted this for a long time, and we are grateful that God has finally said its time! Having patience these past few months has not been easy, but we know that the Lord's plans are greater than our own. Sophia and the new baby will be three years apart and the baby will be due May 10th just as I finish my second to last semester of school. The timing really is great!  I am also super excited because my older sister is due to have her first baby on May 2nd. I am so looking forward to taking this journey with her. I am still in shock and filled with such incredible happiness.  Sophia really has no idea what is going on. I am trying to explain to her that there is a baby in Mommy's tummy, but she just looks at me like I am crazy. Our first big step in helping her become a big girl was moving her from her crib into a big girl bed. She took it surprisingly well.

Food Debunked- Salmon

Salmon is a topic that I have a lot to say about. Everyone I know always feels so proud of themselves for eating fish on a regular basis. That's great! Fish is excellent for your body, especially the fish that are not high in mercury content. Unfortunately, if you are eating farm raised salmon, you are basically wasting your time.  The trivial amount of omega 3 fatty acids in farmed salmon is comparable to what you can find in lean ground beef.  Farm raised salmon is only pink in color because it is pumped with dyes! Wild salmon is pink because wild salmon eat shell fish naturally as part of their diet. Farm raised salmon is higher in fat and lower in protein than its wild counterpart. Its fat content is primarily omega 6 fat, rather than omega 3. Omega 6 fats are important to our body, however, most of us get plenty from the rest of our meats and too much can be very inflammatory to your cells. Farmed salmon is also highly contaminated with PCBs (poly chlorinated biphenyl) which is highly toxic. I know that you are all reading this and thinking, "I can't afford wild salmon." Yes you can!!!! Fry's grocery store always has it on sale. I just bought 3 pounds of wild king salmon on sale at Sunflower Market. The trick here is that when its on sale, STOCK UP!!! There are no excuses to not eat wild salmon. Its usually about the same price as farm raised when its on sale. Your family deserves the best possible nutrition. Feed them well!!!!http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=george&dbid=96http://www.ewg.org/reports/farmedpcbs

Skip, Hop, and pack your lunch

Okay so I tend to get excited over very silly things. And this is just one of those things. As most of you, we are a family of 3 very healthy eaters, which means I usually pack food for my daughter whenever we go out somewhere so that we don't have to resort to fast food. Its always a hassle to pack everything in tupperware and try to keep it cold. Problem solved! My genius sister found this set of BPA free containers at Buy Buy Baby and they come with a tote bag and freezer pack. There are endless possibilities for Sophia's lunches now!

No yucky Bisphenol A!

I love the brand Skip Hop. They make everything from feeding supplies to backpacks and toys!

It actually comes with six containers. We were using one for a snack. It has an elastic band to hold the sippy cup too. Absolutely awesome.

Let's Organize!

 An organized mommy is a happy mommy. I will be the first to admit that I am NOT organized! Clutter tends to build up around me even when I think messy thoughts in my head. Since having a baby, the toys have been piling up. I hate cluttered toys. I hate Sophia not being able to find her toys when she wants to play with them. I hate that Fisher Price is taking over my house. We headed to Ikea the other day with one goal in mind: Organization of the Toys!!!! I'm pretty happy with the results.

This is our little toy nook under the stairs. Yes that's a Staples box. Clearly its time for an organization intervention :(

Help!!!!

These are the new bookshelf cubbies that we filled with toys. Doesn't it look great?!

I LOVE this basket! It came with the little chalkboard on the front. Such a great way to organize the stuffed animals and baby dolls.

Ta Da! A nice cute little nook under the stairs!